What do I want? This is what it really comes down to. What do I want? Not what should I want, not what does everyone else want me to want. What do I want?
I want to be able to eat sugar and wheat in moderation whenever I want. I want to be thin. I want to look good. I want to be healthy. I want my daughter to tell me I’m pretty. I want the attention of people telling me I look thin or that I’ve lost weight. I want the attention and happiness that comes with giving speeches at OA and having people tell me that it inspires them. I want to say I ran a ½ marathon. I don’t want to exercise. I want cake. I want sex. I want things to be easy. I want the satisfaction of knowing I’ve worked hard. I want to be super organized without having to clean up the past messes to get there. I need to accept that these are the things I want before I decide how to deal with them. I need to stop thinking “I shouldn’t be like this” “I shouldn’t act like this” “I shouldn’t want this” or worse yet!!! “That behavior (or thinking) is just like my mother!” Even if its true that I shouldn’t…I do! I do want all those things!
I’m dishonest and manipulative and lazy. I’m also helpful, kind and a hard worker. I will walk over coals to help another human being and I love my friends and family to no end. Why won’t I do that for myself?
I have a blog and journals going back years and they all say exactly the same thing. To the letter. It is a pattern that is laid out in front of me and I’ve documented it so well, I can’t even pretend its something its not.
“I’m going to change!”
“What a great day!”
“I’m pathetic”
“I need a life change not a temporary solution or diet”
“I’m moving forward and not dwelling on the self destructive behavior of yesterday”
“I do not want to be writing these things and feeling these things 5 years down the road!”
“Food wasn’t too bad today and will be better tomorrow”
“In 3 days, when I weigh in, I can eat whatever I want!”
“If I’m truly an adult, I’ll gain control of this!”
“I’m avoiding my journal because I’m bingeing”
“I disgust and repulse myself”
“I want my daughter to be proud and not copy my behavior”
Over and over and over and over again.
Here is the truth. I WILL NOT be abstinent without OA. If I am going to go forward and commit myself to OA or if I am going to quit and move on without it, I WILL NOT be abstinent. I will say I will be. I will say that I don’t need the meetings and I don’t need the sponsor and I don’t need the Super Saturdays. I will say I’ve found my key and my answer. I will say, “No sugar, no wheat, no soda and I’m abstinent and I lose weight and am allowed by my Higher Power, to be abstinent.” And when I say it, I will believe it. I will know in my heart of hearts, as the words leave my mouth, that I will do this. I will move forward. I will be able to control it.
And its all a lie. A lie I will tell myself only. I will tell the OA people I’ve decided to take a little break or I will say I’m attending a different meeting or I will say that I have to work. I will lie so I don’t have to face the questions and the disappointment. Then I will stop returning phone calls and emails. I will pretend to go to meetings for a little while so my family doesn’t suspect anything, and then in a few months, they’ll stop asking about it. I’ll weigh and work on food plans and watch the scale go up and down and up and down and I’ll tell myself that “It’s only 6 pounds…that’s still 44 pounds less than your highest weight!” and I’ll keep saying that and trying to feel good as the scale creeps up and my clothes start getting tighter. When I occasionally allow myself to think about it, I’ll get depressed, but most of the time, I won’t. Most of the time, I’ll be eating and pretending that I don’t care. I’ll be sneaking food again. I won’t pray about food or talk to my higher power about anything food related. I’ll steal food and I’ll hide food. And 1 day, I’ll realize I weigh 240 pounds again.
And then I’ll return to OA, sad, beaten, making amends right and left to those I have lied to. Welcomed back and praised, most likely, because I have realized that I am powerless and this happens to everyone and so many people take long breaks before they realize that they are powerless and the point is that I’ve come back and I’ve realized what I need to help me and I’ll start losing weight and going to meetings and get a sponsor and then, as the weight comes off, I’ll start speaking again and maybe even become a sponsor. I’ll get off on the high of abstinence, saying that I can’t even imagine putting anything in my mouth again that isn’t on my food plan.
But all it is, is another cycle. Eventually, I’ll break my abstinence and say “No one is perfect” and I’ll be supported and bolstered by my OA fellows and my sponsor and then the holidays will come around. And I’ll mess up and struggle and write a bunch of journals and emails and then eventually I’ll recommit, until I quit again.
I’m a food addict. I’m a compulsive fantasist. I’m a pattern junkie.
And even if it takes years for these patterns to circle back upon themselves, I am willing to wait to get my pattern fix. I think I get that from my mother. I see her patterns and they drive me crazy and they do her no good. But there’s comfort in them. I see that too.
And I will decry the pattern, I will fight the good fight…no I’ll put on the show of the good fight for those around me, and be able to fool myself into thinking I’m fighting the pattern.
I am dishonest. I am manipulative. I am lazy.
Eventually, at the end of all this, I’m going to be 55 years old, 236 pounds, returning to OA for the 6th time, desperate for the beginning of my OA pattern. My Mark pattern lasted almost 10 years. How did I break it? Why did I break it? Can’t really remember. I know its good I did and I wouldn’t go back and I’m certainly much happier now. But those are the results of breaking the pattern. Why did I break it at the time? Because my life had become unmanageable. But it had been unmanageable for the past 10 years. I knew that. Why did I break it in March 07 and NOT go back as I had every other time? Did I finally come to the realization that he wasn’t going to change? Or did I finally realize that I had no control over his changing? I was powerless over him. Now, knowing I’m powerless over him makes my life happy and peaceful and wonderful in a hundred ways it never was before. I want that feeling with food. I don’t want to wait 10 years to get it. I’ve already waited 25 years.
So if I can believe and work towards feeling about my food disease the same way I feel now about my Mark disease, will I get the same level of comfort, relief, peace that I have with Mark? I am powerless, that’s never been the issue. My life has become unmanagable. Got it. Maybe because I believe in God so fully, I’ve been able to fool myself into thinking that I have turned it all over when I haven’t. No bitterness or resentment towards God, believe in God, know God can do wonderful things and can guide me and His voice is always present and strong in my life. Doesn’t mean I’m doing what He leads me to do. I can say I am, but its another lie.
What do I want? I don’t want to be 55 on my 6th go around at OA. I want what my sponsor has. The knowledge that I have to commit 100% and accept the struggle and pain and ultimate joy that comes from this. That sounds very good on paper. It sounds inspiring. Do I mean it? I want to mean it. Sometimes the dishonesty sounds so good, it sounds so honest and self aware, that no one questions it, but that doesn’t make it the truth. I really, really, really do not want to be 55 and returning to OA again. I honestly, truly want to stop my stuggle with food. Those are the 2 truths I can present at this moment. If these are my 2 true desires, then I need to go forward and make those happen and hope and pray and actually utilize my HP to make those happen and pray that the other truths will fall into place. And if they don’t, then find out how I can work to make them all into place. Then, maybe, I can break the pattern of the pattern.
Note: I think I wrote this in October 2007, at any rate, it's from many months ago and every word is as relevant today as it was then and I sometimes wonder, if it will always be.
