Good Places

I have a date. (Get it? Pictures of...never mind..) Tomorrow is my weigh in day and I have a date in 5 days. And my money issues are getting resolved. And my desk at work is getting more organized since K. hypnotized me. (More on that later). And I'm smiling. And I feel good. And I can tell my body is changing. God, I'm so screwed!

Dear God,
Please remind me to breath and turn to you and not to send myself into a hyper frenzy. There are a billion people worse off than me. There are more, because I am in a good place and happy and maybe I deserve that. Whatever happens, it happens because you want it to.
Love and Amen,
Shannon

So how do I like me so far?

As I move away from the numbers in my life and find myself having to depend on other things, I still find myself going down the same highway, just in a different vehicle.
Old cause: Weigh myself and lose weight
Old effect: Self destruct. Begin to eat.
Why? Damn, that's a good question. Fear of success, even though in most cases I enjoy the results of success? Fear of the unknown, because maybe I feel like the closer I get to more abstinence, the closer I get to more weight loss, the closer I get to more recovery, the further I'm getting into uncharted waters I don't know how to handle? If I lose more weight and get more recovery and am abstinent more days, then how is it different, truly, that now? The numbers just go up on those things and down on the sizes and scales. I'll still be diseased, I'll still be abnormal, I'll still be powerless, so what is the issue? Is it that I feel pressure to continue to deliver these results, even if the pressure only comes from myself?
Where is this stemming from? My clothes feel looser. I know what you're thinking "Oh dear God NO!!!!" and it seems like such a nice problem to have, but I am self destructive and dishonest and sneaky and very, very insane when it comes to my addiction. So the fact that my clothes feel a little looser, the fact that when I stand with my arms to the side, there's a gap between my arms and the side of my body, this fills me with joy for about 5 seconds and then 2 days of dread, which will usually lead to a binge. I picked up the food yesterday about 5 times and put it back. Thank you HP! I left a message for sponsor and felt better, although I didn't talk to her. But I'm walking in Walgreens, picking up aluminum foil and they have these huge mirrors so you can see yourself from above,walking down the aisle. To me, it is the most accurate way to see yourself, up high, angled, it seems to give me a realistic vision that my mirror at home doesn't. And I didn't look 1/2 bad. And that scared the shit out of me.
So I looked up self destruction and it gave a definition, blah, blah, blah. Underneath, it had another phrase.
Self hatred: An extreme dislike of oneself.
And then I started thinking, do I like myself? I don't hate myself. I do not wish myself physical harm. I don't know that I have ever wished anyone physical harm. Hate is a very strong word I don't think applies to anyone in my life. But how do I feel about myself? I know how I feel about my life as a whole and that I am happy in almost all things right now. I know that I feel better about my choices. I know there are others who think well of me. But how do I truly feel about myself? I am the lead of this play, called My Life. I feel pretty clear on my feelings for the Play itself, but what about the lead. How do I feel about her? (It seems necessary to discuss myself in the third person, but I promise I won't make a habit of it, because then I will experience self hatred!!!) She's smart, now as smart as some and she recognizes that. She's funny has a come back line to many things. She's a little needy. I've met her mother though and it's nowhere near as bad as that! :) She means well. If she can do the right thing for others she's happy. If she can do the right thing for others and get a little attention, a little credit,then she's happier, but she struggles with that and doesn't particularly care for that side of herself. There are times when she thinks she looks pretty, there are times she thinks she looks okay. She honestly does not think she has ever been beautiful and at this age, will never look like a model, which in her mind is what you measure it by. Her mother could have been a model and she will never be as beautiful on the outside, as her mother was in her heyday.
But still, she wants the people in the world to find her beautiful and sexy and desirable and she tries to accent her high points, including her humor and her kindness, to make people think that. She finds they rarely do though. They may find her nice and kind and funny and cute, but they don't find her hot and sexy and she knows and accepts this, but is ultimately a little disappointed in it. She gets very, very excited about things other people might think mundane, she finds joy in the every day-ness of life and this is the one trait she can truly point to and say she likes about herself. That genuine enthusiasm. She loves her child, she is a good mother. She worries about the big picture, but tries not to lose sight of the little ones. She sees raising her child as the most important thing she'll ever do and dedicates herself to this job, often coming at it as a job and finds that works well. She is a good writer. But a little obsessed with reading her own material, if she feels it is good, over and over again.
So do I like this person? And if I like this person, then why do I not want her to succeed? Why do I not want her to have some good things happen? Why am I trying to sabotage her? Why do I work so hard to keep her behind at work, in money issues, in food and recovery issues? They are subtle actions, and if she works hard enough she can over come them, but with so many outside influences effecting and sometimes harming her efforts, why am I so determined to add to that and be one more obstacle? Why can't I just love her, unconditionally? Maybe, because I've spent 38 years NOT loving her and I can't suddenly just turn that on. I never hated her, I never loathed her (okay at times I did, but not that much), but I've always viewed her as someone who tried hard, someone who's heart was in the right place and who ultimately had no control, due to abusive parents, abusive husband, bad job. She walks around saying out loud that no one controls her destiny, that no one is causing her to be abused now but her, because she allows it to happen, but she hasn't really believed it.
And I know, for a fact, that I have forgiven all the other people in her life for the perceived wrongs they have done. If it's things I have well documented facts for, if it's merely things I perceived as harmful and the other person is unaware or unwilling to realize, I've still forgiven and made amends when I realized my part in it. Isn't it time to forgive the lead in this play too? Isn't it time to cut her some slack and move on? What is my part? I thrive on the drama she creates. They are often small, internal dramas, so petrified are we to turn things into the full blown, everyone within a 10 mile radius is involved psycho drama melt down my mother has.
It is scary, because if she changes her body and her though patterns, what external things will change? What situations?
Okay, this third person reference is getting annoying! I truly feel deep inside that if something changes tomorrow, I am ready for it. Am I though? Or are there different levels? This is probably all too complicated to get into in 1 post, but I feel we've made some excellent progress today! :) And in the spirit of a day that's different, I am not going to work on ending this post with a deep thought that ties together the post as a whole and sounds like the last line of some high brow novel. I am going to smile and breathe and know that this is good enough for today. Damn! Did I just do it anyway! Crap! There! That's the final thought! Crap!!!
Dear God,
Help me to forgive myself, to move on, to enjoy today and to not punish myself. Help me to see the good things as simply that, good things. Not symptoms of the bad things to come. I turn everything over to you and pray for the strength to follow your path.
Love and Amen,
Shannon

Happy Anniversary

Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.
-- Marsha Norman

Family: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together

I had lunch today with R. (will I remember in 2 years all these initials?). She asked, as the few people who know my situation do on occasion, with a hushed, concerned curiosity, "Well, is he still in the house?" and I've taken to shrugging and saying simply, "He is." because where else would he be? She just nodded. I don't think she judges. I don't really care if she does. I explained to her that we were getting along really well. We communicate better than we ever have, his moods have smoothed out, somewhat and when they don't, I don't care. We have dinner together several times a week at our table with our child, we discuss issues and work and things that interest us, we share common goals. R. just shook her head, a little amazed I think. Maybe a little impressed.
"If I didn't know your situation, I'd say you have the perfect marriage!"
I thought about this for a moment, and as her words sort of flowed upon me, I felt this sense of peace and happiness and love deep within me, welling up. I wouldn't say I'm an overly emotional person, but I felt something true and deep stirring around. I smiled at her and shrugged again. "It's a really wonderful family."
R. smiled at me, "Well, that's a different word," she said, and I think my friend was happy for me. I'm happy for me.
Getting other people to understand, the few who know, is difficult, so I've quit trying. I've quit trying to explain that what I have now is what I've wanted since I was 7. A home, stability, and most of all a family. I never defined a family as having to necessarily get married and have children. I just wanted to live with a group of people who loved me and cared for me and whom I could love and care for. Much like the definition above. Common attitudes, interests, goals. People I could stand with when the wind turned cold. It took me a lot of fighting and a lot of tears and a lot of anger and I certainly can't take credit for it. God has given me my family. I love them both so deeply and so fully, it surprises me sometimes. That this family is mine to exist in and care for. They are the reason I do what I do. Everything is reflected in them.

10 years ago today, I made a vow to M. To love, honor and cherish. And I still do all those things. But I feel like my real vow is the vow to be his family forever. That is a vow I can keep, I feel, forever. I want to help him and grow with him and protect him and look to the future, as far as it may lead. And I don't want to be his wife. People have a hard time understanding that. The funniest part is, we haven't discussed it. A year ago, I told him I wanted to move forward separately. That of course, meant 1 thing to him. A separation, a divorce, a dividing of property and time with McG. I can't even say for sure that I ever meant it that way. Since then, we haven't discussed it. We're in this house, our house, raising this child, our child, worrying about money, broken down cars, broken down toilets, will his job still be there in 6 months, will my mother be asking to move in, his mother's dementia, our daughters math grade. Life hits us no easier or harder than anyone else trying to raise a family in the first decade of the 21st century.

I always knew that by not being M's wife, I could forgive him of all the harms I felt had been inflicted on me. That I would be able to allow my Higher Power to lift away the wreckage of my past. He was always trying to, but I wasn't willing to let it go forward, until I broke free of something. Was it the title wife? Was it the concept that our relationship was supposed to be something that it wasn't? I can't say. All I know is that right now, is the happiest I've ever been. Ever. And why would I want to mess that up?
I know people thing it's strange. Maybe it is. People think that I'm secretly hoping to be a couple again. I won't lie and say I haven't thought about it, but I don't want to jinx anything and I feel like I've moved beyond being a couple into something so much more profound. So much more nourishing to my spirit. And the beauty of recovery, the beauty of spirituality, the amazing miracle of God, is that if it all goes away tomorrow, if he shows up and wants to move out and wants a divorce, then okay. I might be a little sad, but I'll be okay. Because he's still my family. If he gets married 10 years down the road, then okay, she'll be my family too! Maybe we could buy a duplex or something! The definition of family in the dictionary is so far removed from what most people think in their minds. And so many families I know just seem miserable. And those miserable families want to judge my family, because what? I'm not having sex with M? Because we have separate rooms? Because we don't kiss each other? I met a wonderful man 12 years ago, April 21. He has brought me so much joy and so much happiness. So much laughter and stimulation. And that's something I can never thank him enough for. He's also brought me the most pain and anguish and devastation of anyone I've ever known. And I've faced that and I've forgiven and I hope I've been forgiven. Maybe that's all any of us can ask for.
I feel like I need to tell M that I am currently in the early stages of what I hope will become a relationship with someone I've recently met. But I'm afraid. I don't want to mess up this wonderful balance. And I don't even know if it's going anywhere, because to take me as a partner in any sense, is to take my family too, right now. My infuriating mother, my slightly racist father, an old dog, an evil cat, a beautiful daughter and a husband. Finding that person may prove challenging. It may prove impossible for the time being. I'm not hiding from life behind my family. Maybe that's what it sounds like and maybe that's why people disapprove. But I feel like that isn't the case at all. I'm standing with my family and asking life to be kind and let us enjoy this remarkable present, right now, right here. The 10th anniversary symbol is Tin and Aluminum. It's supposed to be a symbol of how a successful marriage must be flexible and durable and how it can bend without breaking. What better magnificent and ironic symbol could represent my entire life, today?
Happy 10th Anniversary, to my family.

Sassy Girl

My 7 year old (McG) just amazes me sometimes. Of course she's perfect and caring and loving and sweet and wonderful (like her mother! HA!) but sometimes, I just have to wonder who this person came from! She loves all animals. She is an animal freak! So we're talking and she announces that when she is a teenager, she'll work in a dog groomers "But I am NOT going to shave dog's butts!" and then she says she wants to be a vet when she grows up, "But I am NOT going to do surgery!" and of course, she's only 7, so these declarations are all well and cute and harmless right now, but I just marvel at this 7 year olds absolute confidence in the fact that life WILL fall in line, exactly as she plans it. She will get what she wants, with the specifications she demands falling into place effortlessly. And this is not an attitude that stems from getting her way all the time. (Unless she's around my mother, she does NOT get her way all the time!). But I have never had that kind of confidence. I look back and think about how I just always felt so lucky IF anything worked out my way. I still feel that way, to a certain extent, although now I'm exuberant and thrilled and very grateful. The hardest part is not knowing what to tell my daughter and really now knowing what I want for her. I would love for her to face none of the disease issues I have. So far, McG seems to have inherited her father's metabolism and the girl is a stick, tall, skinny without so much as a tiny curve I see on some of her friends. I want to make sure she is kind to everyone, regardless of their race, creed, color and especially size. I don't want her to be one of those girls, pretty, popular and horribly mean to those who aren't in her "group". At least 99% of me doesn't. But is it a trade off? Beautiful, popular and a bitch? I hope not. And even if I were to hope she is popular, that is going to fly directly in the face of my firm belief that if you are truly popular in high school, that becomes the high point of your life and its all downhill from there. (I cling to this theory and hope that its true. I want them to suffer! HA!)
My daughter knows I go to meetings to work on my eating. She knows my food plan. I drive her to school and she reads my For Today aloud to me. We just started this, but she enjoys reading and it makes her feel like she is part of my program and that's okay, right? I don't hide my disease or my recovery from anyone and now, it's so ingrained into who I am, it's only right my child should be aware.
I don't know, half the time, what to tell her. She is so firmly aware of her own wants and desires, yet at the same time, with her friends, she appears to be very much a follower. There is always a little girl ready to lead the pack and McG does not appear to be one of them. This has caused me some frustration when said "lead dog" begins to push my child around and McG won't stand up for herself. But ultimately, I tell her, it's her decision who she is friends with (yeah, type THAT again when she's 16!) and if these people are going to act badly towards her, then the only person letting them do that is her. (12 step parenting!)
And what do I tell her in 5 years, if she has suddenly gotten heavy? That I love her anyway, absolutely. Beyond that, I have no idea.
I know McG's heart is kind and very big. She is a good person. I can tell that now. She is a total drama queen, 100% (thank to me Mom and McG's Dad for passing that gene along!), but ultimately, she cares deeply for people and I hope that will sustain her. I hope she gets everything she wants and I hope I can remember that whatever that is, has nothing to do with me.

Grateful

Thank you God for a day of abstinence. Please help me with my food plan. Thank you God for freedom from my compulsions. Please help me turn to you in all things. Thank you God for health and happiness and please bestow that on everyone else. I am so grateful for my life and every aspect of it. Please allow me to remember this feeling and not to get stressed by the "little things". Please allow me to turn to you and to also use whatever tools and knowledge I have gained from K. in working on my organizational skills. Please allow me to follow your will and use the tools and knowledge I have gained from B. in my recovery and taking care of myself. Please allow me to turn to you regardless of the importance or seriousness of an issue and use the tools and knowledge I have gained from R. in my spiritual life. You sent me these people for a reason and I believe that reason is the assist me and help me better see your will. I am grateful for everything right now, from the weather to the presidential elections coming up! I am grateful for having so many people to love. I am grateful and at peace. As soon as I stand up from this computer, life will start and being grateful won't be all it's cracked up to be! Allow me to remember this feeling and refer back to this if I need to. Allow me a day that's different.
I can't, You can, I'll let you.
Love and Amen,
Shannon

Numbers of Insanity - Part You Know What

No numbers! I haven't measured my body, although honestly, I only do that every 6 months or so. I still haven't weighed myself on the scale. I've even stopped measuring my food, and that seems to be okay. My higher power is in charge of my food plan. I rode bikes yesterday with McG and did NOT go back afterwards, in the car, to see how far I had gone so I would have that number. I was at the gym and did some cardio for about 20 minutes. I looked at the distance and calories burned, but I didn't write it down or frantically try to add it to the distance or calories burned from using the machines or the bike ride when I got home. How many calories am I consuming? No idea. I'll talk to B. about that tonight.
Even not listing any numbers on this blog is a new behavior. Looking back, I realized I did list a number when discussing how much weight I had lost, but I'm not going to edit it. It's in the past and it was an approximate number anyway.
But it feels like breaking free of these numbers is becoming easier. I've also stopped looking up my first meeting date in the Thursday night sign in book and writing it down. Inevitably I lose it anyway and it doesn't matter. How many days or months doesn't matter. How many calories or pounds doesn't matter. How many dress sizes or miles doesn't matter. I was abstinent yesterday and I plan on being abstinent today. That is all I can focus on. And the way today is different from many days in the past is I'm not just saying it and wanting it to be true, even though I really feel it isn't. It really is true. For me. For today.
Dear God,
Thank you for relieving me of the bondage of my numbers. Thank you for allowing me to live my life with reasonably normal feelings and behaviors although I am in no way a normal person. I remember that I have a disease and that I am abnormal, and that these wonderful feelings do not cure me of my disease. They are merely gifts from you and I hope to continue doing to leg work to keep these gifts in place. Turning everything over to you will, I hope, allow me more peace. I also pray, now, that you'll help me to pray and turn to you more, even when I'm not in a panic mode. I want to work on turning to you as a regular part of life, not just when I'm grateful or in trouble.
Love and Amen,
Shannon

Forgiveness

I have dreaded Step 9. Just not knowing how the other person is going to react. Not really knowing. People surprise you. Every minute of every day. But the amends isn't really about them, as B. always tells me. And a good friend in program tells me that he's had amends that have gotten every bit as uncomfortable and awkward and bad as he predicted they would, but he still felt a surge or relief afterwards. I get that now. It's taken me months to start and do my amends. B. done, Brother, done, MG, done, and as of last night, Mom is done. For now! :)
I needed to ask her forgiveness and the area I came up with was money. Borrowing money and not paying it back, using her credit card, which she gave me in case she wanted me to buy her anything here in St. Louis, without asking her first, although she never seemed to mind. Always promising to pay her back and then never being able to or "forgetting". So we were driving back from the grocery store at 11:30 at night and she was telling me a story and we were getting close to my house. For some reason, I just really wanted to do this in my car, so I pretended to miss my road and we kind of laughed and then I really missed turning around in the elementary school parking lot, so we had to go all the way around the block, but I did it. I don't know if these things should be more solemn than I make them, but I tell people "I'm to the part of my recovery/12 steps, where I make amends to people and guess who's next on my list!" Sort of an "Aren't you lucky!?" attitude. Just starting off with a light hearted sort of thing, to make myself feel more comfortable. Anyway, I told her and I made my amends and I promised to start sending her at least $20 every pay day to pay her back and I apologized. She said that I knew (and I kind of did) that she never expected me to pay it back. This wasn't phrased as mean or accusing, but as a pretty kind statement. I told her that she should expect me to pay it back because it wasn't a gift, I was talking about things I specifically labeled as a loan at the time. Then as we pulled into my driveway, 1/2 way into my garage, she began talking about how she was so worried G. & I would have no inheritance. I explained that it wasn't important. But apparently it is to her. Then we started talking about my grandmother and my Dad. Then she started crying (well we KNEW that was coming). She asked my forgiveness, for everything she had done and everything I thought she had done. And she didn't ask what these were or speculate. Just asked me to forgive her. I found myself talking to her about my program and about my 4th step and how all these resentments had been wiped away, like a dry erase board. I talked to her about all the internal changes I had experienced since joining OA. We weren't lecturing each other or nagging each other. I even told her about my "circle" with her & McG and told her stories of my own failings as a mother. I told her I wasn't 100% sure why, but that when she told me things that bothered me, I was recognizing that anyone else, telling me the same thing, never bothered me. She asked if I was disappointed in her that she wasn't looking for a job harder. I told her I was frustrated and worried that she was wasting her life. We discussed the concept of unconditional love, and my theories, which (and this was not my intent) she agreed with and seemed to adopt as her own. 45 minutes after pulling into the driveway, we were still sitting in my garage. I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would get drunk and call her mother at 2am. The poor woman had such awful nerves and I think anyone who gets a call at 2am assumes the worst, but it would just be Mom, crying and babbling. But apparently, right before my great grandmother died, Mom called and just read Mamaw (my grandmother) the riot act about something and a short time later, when my great grand mother died, and we were home for the funeral, Mom was sleeping in a bed with Mamaw and Mamaw told Mom how when Mom had called, drunk at 2 am the last time, she had made Mamaw feel like a dog, just so low. Mom says Mamaw said "I don't know why you're so angry with me, but whatever I have done, I am sincerely sorry." and Mom says that lifted away a lot of her own resentments.
I really didn't expect my amends to lead to all these things. I feel better about my amends but all the stuff that came afterwards is certainly more than I thought would occur. I realized that I can forgive my mother and that she truly wants me to. She feels remorse and pain for everything and I have to accept that, unconditionally.
I sometimes wonder if part of the appeal of this blog is coming up with pictures and clever titles to tie into my post. It probably is and that's okay, because I find out some cool things in the process.
My mother loves the hyacinth. Always has. When she seems them, it's like she gasps a little. "Oh! Hyacinth!" I don't know that its her favorite flower. It may just be tied her a bush her grandfather had, but she loves them. I Googled "flower of forgiveness" to see what it was, so I could put a picture on this post. And guess what? it's the hyacinth. So even though she will probably never read this blog, this picture, this forgiveness, this feeling of peace and happiness, is for Mom.
Dear God,
Thank you.
Amen,
Shannon

My Circle, My Business

An Email from my mother 3 days ago:
Mom: I signed up for unemployment! Aren't you proud of me?
My reply: Well that's what every daughter wants for their mother...unemployment.
Mom: What does every daughter want for their mother?
My reply: Love, inner peace, health, long life, love, joy, happiness...and a residence 500 miles away.



I was explaining to my mother, yesterday, how my friend had just become certified in hypnotherapy and how a bunch of us were letting her hypnotize us before the prices went up when she began including it in her practice, because she is a licensed counselor. My mother then begins to say how she could go and see this woman. Why? I ask. Just to talk, she says in her cute, sweet, slightly victimized, little girl, I want to reach through the phone and strangle her voice. I told her, half joking, she doesn't need a therapist, she needs a kick in the pants! Then we spoke of other things. I have no earthly idea why this woman annoys me so much. Why I can sympathize, empathize with every other single person on the Earth, and not her. If anyone else and I mean ANYONE on the planet, told me they were going to a therapist, I would cheer them on, ask if there's anything I can do, listen and be supportive. I honestly don't know why it bothers me when my mother speaks of it. Maybe its because, deep inside, I feel like everything she says/does/thinks/feels/expresses/communicates is just slightly heightened by her drama. It's never "I'm going to see a therapist..." by the way, no biggie, just taking care of myself, talking to someone who can help me.
It's always "I'm going to see a therapist..." and oh how tragic because my life is so awful and no one understands me and don't judge me (now we're slightly whining because we are a victim).
It's because the moments of self realization, when they do come to her (and I know all of them because she can't keep them to herself and each one is like a new inauguration, complete with parade!) they don't change anything. She'll say something really deep or profound or something that, if acted upon, would probably change her life for the better, and then, in a puff of True Menthol 100 smoke, it's gone.
What other people think of me is none of my business. It's like a mantra in my 12 step program and it is the single most important thing I've learned in my experience at 12 step. It has released so many resentments, it has allowed me a life of relative peace and serenity, it is something that has opened my eyes and my heart and I thank God for letting me see it and my sponsor for telling me and whomever coined the phrase. But there's something else I need to accept.
It's none of my business what other people do. Especially my mother.
This is exponentially harder. I love my mother, I care about my mother. Every other person can smoke cigarettes and get fat and waste their lives sitting in a trailer, suicidal. Not my mother. Not my daughter. That's where it begins and ends and I'm having issues shaking this.
She demands to know why I don't go after my step mother about her smoking. My stepmother isn't my mother. Why don't I yell at other people to get off their ass and do something. Other people aren't my mother. Just like other people's issues, bad choices and behaviors don't effect me the way my daughter's do. These 2 women are my circle and I can't break that and now I feel like I'm fighting to make the circle better, safer, cleaner, healthier, easier for these women to whom my connection is different and stronger than any other connections I'll have for the rest of my life. No one can come into this circle until Megan has a child and this circle will remain unchanged until my mother dies (maybe it's all powered by my sudden awareness recently, A LOT, that she is going to die). This circle isn't perfect and that bothers me. I feel like I've made strides and I want my mother to make them to, but at the same time I don't want her in the middle of my strides. I want her to make her own strides and do her own thing. But then when she does, they never go anywhere and that is frustrating. Maybe I need to go back to therapy! And in 20 years, how much will that statement annoy my daughter! :)
Dear God,
It is none of my business what other people do, especially my mother. I love my mother. I pray you'll allow her peace and to enjoy her life and to make the best choices for herself. I am powerless over food, I am powerless over my mother. My life with my mother is unmanageable and I turn it over to your care. You can do what I cannot and it is not for me to question what that is. I am powerless.
Love and Amen,
Shannon

A Quiet Day or Two

Abstinent yesterday. Confessed to sponsor and received wonderful absolution, because she loves me unconditionally and wants what is best for me. She is totally the mom I should have had! Abstinent today so far. Nothing too strong calling me. So I am going to enjoy this calm day and work on keeping it going. Looking forward. I haven't weighed myself. I don't know how much I weigh. I have no idea. That is a little unsettling, but feeling better. Today feels better than yesterday. Maybe tomorrow will feel better than today. Maybe that's all I can hope for.
Dear God,
Thank you for the peace and thank you for the quiet. Thank you for the help. Please continue to help me on my journey.
Love,
Shannon

The Pits of Deception - aka Stupid Cherry Tree

I don't know if anyone even tells the story of George Washington & the cherry tree anymore, because the "I cannot tell a lie..." story turned out to be...well a lie! I did a mini 4th with my sponsor and another dear friend of her "posse" the other night and my fear is that people will be mad at me or disappointed, so I told them I lie. I lie a lot. I hide work so my boss won't get mad, I hide bills so M won't get mad, I hide truth about my food so my sponsor won't get mad. General lies to save myself any inconvenience. And lies so that I don't have to change specific things about my personality. I lie a lot about a lot. We didn't get to finish it all the way through. I'll look it up on line, because I'm tired of being at the mercy of my disease, but I'm also so tired of being a liar. I've given speeches (not lately) knowing I didn't have the required amount of abstinence, I've talked to people about my food plan and recovery, knowing full well that I was in the throws of relapse. Am I lying simply so people won't get mad at me or is there also a small part of it that's seeing if I can get away with it? If that is part of it, I truly believe it is a small part. I think everything else is the main part. Right now, what am I lying about?
1) Mark - Came clean about most of the money issues, so there are no lies, at this moment, looming over that I can pinpoint.
2) My mother - UHaul, told her I called when I didn't and that I am waiting on a response because I haven't had time to follow up. She could do this herself, but I am most familiar with the situation. And it's not that difficult, I just haven't had time.
3) Sponsor - I can't think of any deliberate falsehoods I've told my sponsor lately. It's more like promises I don't keep, although she certainly never fashions them as promises, more "Let's try this..." and then it doesn't work out. Also, I have to think of omissions of truth as definite lies or I will fall way down into a pit of deception.
4) Work - Besides the small lies about tiny projects/certificates, I was given an assignment, last year, to take a class and a test in conjunction with my job. Work paid for this huge text book and work book, I was to read and then schedule a test with the testing company. I have told both my bosses that I am working on it. I haven't removed it from the wrapper. I scheduled to take the test in March when I got the book, but since I hadn't read the book I had to cancel and found out that it costs 100 to reschedule the test in April May or June. I have not told them that.
5) My ex-therapist. I thought I owed her $60 and haven’t had it to pay, and I’ve been avoiding her. Just got my “final notice” stating that it’s about to go to collections and it turns out I only owe $25. Plan has been to tell her that I “thought” M mailed it and I’m so embarrassed and can she ever forgive me.
I need and want to stop lying. Isn't that one of the 10 commandments? Let me check!
"You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor..." close enough for me! I need to work on not lying. As I stated in my mini-fourth, these people may be mad or upset when I admit my lie, they may be upset if I choose not to lie but to tell them the truth, but they aren't going to kill me, they aren't going to hit me, and if they are disappointed and its my fault, then I deserve disappointment. If I have prayed and done a searching and fearless moral inventory, and I know that what I am saying/doing is the right thing or the truthful thing, I need to not worry so much about what others think. Not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to be happy with me all the time, even those who do like me. I need to break these people pleasing shackles and be honest. As much as I can. "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen?" of course not! "You look so freakin' awful, friend in the hospital!"? Well obviously not! But its time to make a change. Maybe different for yesterday (2 snack cakes and a hand full of M&Ms at 10 at night - truthfully!) didn't work out, but today can. Today will. I am going to call my sponsor and tell her what I ate. I am going to tell her what I ate last night. That will be very new behavior. If she is disappointed, then I will be sad but I will not die. If she tells me to get another sponsor (pretty sure she won't! Hope she doesn't!) then I will be sad, but I will not die and I will find another sponsor. I don't want to be the same person on this leg of my journey. It's just that simple.
Dear God,
Help me! I don't want to be on the fence. I know there will be bad days and bad moments that that I need to claim progress and not perfection. But I do make choices. I chose not to turn to you last night and now I feel bad about that. I knew the tools, I knew the path and I chose a different one. I am now willing to be honest and tell my sponsor that. I know you already know! I hope that neither of you is too disappointed, but if so, I know that I will be forgiven and that I need to move on and work on turning things over to you so these things will turn around. I want a day that's different. Let that be today.
Love and Amen,
Shannon

The Numbers of Insanity

A Day that's different, just remember that. Just keep remembering that. I want to weigh myself. Really, really badly! I exercised yesterday for the first time in months and while I know I ate too much food, I did not eat wheat or sugar or drink soda (which I really wanted too!). My brain wants to know if that 1 day of changes made a difference in the number. That number is so important to me. Why? The number is what I present to people...on a bright, shiny platter. "Wow! You look good!" they'll say. "Thank you." I demure. "So...???" it's an excited, inquiring so and I smile, charmingly embarrassed and say, in a slightly softer voice, because I don't want to draw attention to myself, "I've lost 50 pounds". "That's amazing! You look great!" and I eat it up. I take it and I get high for a day or two. Then no one says anything, and I start to come down. Even when I'm giving my OA speeches, I say "I'm maintaining a 50 pound weight loss!" and people applaud.
1) My last binge was 2/29/08. I do not know how many days that it. I'm not constantly counting how many days that is, over and over again. So that is new behavior and it feels like its going to help.
2) I tell people in my speeches, that at any point, from April 1996 to March 2006, I can tell you how much I weighed at any 1 time. I rattle it off, without looking at notes. The day I got married, the day I found out I was pregnant, the day Megan was born, every birthday she had. I know when I joined OA what I weighed and I know what I weighed 3 days ago. But in those 2 years, I do not know what I weighed at any 1 point. That is new behavior and I am proud of that.
I will weigh myself 1 way and 1 way only, barring a doctor's appointment. I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I weigh myself, naked, in my kitchen, with no one awake. That is it. If I don't do this, I will not weigh myself until the next morning. Because the minute I drink a glass of juice, the data becomes skewed. If I weigh completely naked, but wearing a pair of panties, then it's no longer my true weight. While this may be sick, I find it healthier than weighing myself 15 times a day, like Mom. "I took a nap, why am I the same weight as I was when I went to sleep!" Also, I'm in the middle of my period. I did drink a soda on my first day. It really did help my cramps and my nerves. But I want to commit to a soda free diet. (Diet as in eating plan NOT as in reduced whatever...)
I vaguely remember, in the middle part of the first leg of my program, that losing weight became so unimportant. It was so wonderful. I'm just having a small struggle getting back there. Maybe because I've been plateauing.
Here is the reality: I haven't lost 50 pounds. I lost 50 pounds for about a day and a half! It's lower than that. Not much...but a little. Am I being dishonest, because it's a pretty, round number that make people's eyes pop, because let's face it, the payoff with a lower number is so much less than with the magical 50?!?!?
I don't need the scale. Do I feel better? Do my clothes fit better? These are things I can use. The lie: I need to know my weight in order to buy clothes. Uh, no! Pick out something and if it's too small, get a bigger size and if its too large, get a smaller size. I need to know is a big fat lie! But then, how can I know when to tell people I've lost more!!!??!!! Another lie! People may act impressed and say WOW! but no one (except my mother) is sitting around, on pins and needles, waiting for me to announce I've lost another quarter pound! That is me, creating these ideas about myself that are false and self important. I truly want, in a small way, people to base a part of their lives on me, what am I doing, saying, thinking and yes, how much weight have I lost. Man am I sick! I think, for today, I'm going bypass the scale. I can't think about "I won't weigh for 2 weeks!" "I'll weigh on the 1st and 15th ONLY!" That falls into the Time Frames of Insanity and that is another post! I can only worry about today. More new behavior. My different day is starting out okay!
Thank you God, for my day that is different. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Relieve me of the bondage of self. There are a billion or so other people in the world. Help me remember that. Help me remember that I am not so important that I can face issues or challenges without you. Relieve me of the bondage of self.
Love and Amen,
Shannon

A Day that is Different

People don't reply to my emails as often as I think they should and this hurts my feelings! Am I being petulant? Yes indeed, but there it is! I want to email and communicate with people. I want them to be desperately waiting for me to contact them. Needy and desperate? Absolutely! Becoming my mother? Scary but entirely possible.
I believe in God and God believes in me. The Sunday School I teach had that song on its DVD. Why don't I turn to God more? Why don't I immediately do that? My sponsor wants me to write 2 letters daily. 1 to God and 1 from God to myself. And I always feel better when I do that. So why don't I do that? Maybe that is something to explore later.
Today, I haven't eaten anything. Yesterday I weighed myself and I had put on some weight. How much weigh? Irrelevant! If I start listing how much I weigh, how many days of abstinence I have, inches lost, clothing sizes on this blog, then it becomes my old blog. And I want this to be different. I want a day that's different. (My favorite sound bite of OA so far, besides It's none of my business what other people think of me!) I want a life that is different.
I had the most vivid dream last night. I was about to die. On death row. I had a lawyer there, I had Mark there, oddly enough I had Becky from my office there and I was so panicked (I mean who wouldn't be!?!?!) but I was desperately trying to write something to Megan and I was trying to figure out what I had done and they all looked at me like I was trying to pull something over. But in the end, it appears I killed some doctor over liposuction! I woke up before I was actually taken away. And I had never been so grateful to wake up in my life! It sounds crazy I know, but thank you God. I am grateful I am not on death row! But if I really want to stretch this, I am on death row in a way, if I don't constantly strive for a life in recovery, with God at its center. Oooo, "sarcastic me" really wants to mock "deep, thoughtful me" but I won't! Because its true. Thank you God, for everything. Today, I want to follow my food plan, I want to exercise, most of all, I want to feel connected to you. Amen.