The HP Smackdown: Michelangelo vs. Mr. Brady

I've joked with people in the past that in my 12 step program, my higher power is Mike Brady. Kind, warm, frustrated with me at times when I make bad choices, but ultimately there for me in a way that no other father figure ever has been. It's something I say that makes people laugh and makes me, possibly, seem a little clever. But inside, I guess I always figured my Higher Power was just God. I've never had any problems with God, I've never really questioned God, I've certainly never hated God the way some people I know do. God is who I turn to, who I pray to. I joined my church to be a part of a community of God, I work for not 1 but 2 faith based organizations, I'm trying to raise my daughter to have a strong spiritual background and if she turns her back on it, so be it, but for now, she loves God, she loves the Bible, she loves our church. Whatever she believes later in her life, she will know, I'm convinced that she is a child of God. Or at least that her mother knew she (like myself) was and is a child of God.
Lately though, I've felt very unsettled regarding my own spiritual life, and I'm not sure why.
I think it started when I was dating E. I've never, in my entire life, thought that homosexuality was a sin. Never. I still don't. I know there are Bible verses devoted to it, but there are also Bible verses devoted to the way a man should treat his slaves and how you shouldn't eat shell fish or pork or something? And there was this gay Bishop of some church, who has become pretty famous, written a book and is planning on getting married to his lover of 20 years because the state he lives in I think recently made gay marriage legal. He points to the parts of the Bible that are no longer considered relevant to our time. (It feels funny writing that...my born again pastor Uncle would kill me! It's all relevant, every word, today as always and I believe that, mostly). But at no time, have I ever thought that gays or bisexuals or trans gendered people are going to hell or even doing anything wrong. I've never thought that & I still don't.
But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm someone walking around thinking, this is the way people are, this is the way I am (at least 1/2 the time, haha) and it's how people are born and it's how I was born and if we aren't hurting anyone, then there's nothing wrong with it and God sees it differently? I'm not changing my opinion, by any means, but it just makes my idea of God and my HP a little murkier. Suddenly, I'm nervous about praying to my HP, who I always thought was God, about my love life, because maybe God doesn't approve. I just don't know and will probably never know, until I die and maybe not even then! Does God smite those who just get divorced? Maybe the jury's still out on that one. I've certainly never thought so but there are those who do. So who's right? Apparently, Methodists think gambling is a sin. I didn't know that and I'm a Methodist! Do I think those who gamble are going to hell? I do not. I mean, it's not even one of the top 7, right? But there are those who maybe do. So who's right?
So lately, I have been thinking more about Mr. Brady as my HP. I mean, he was gay so who better to understand that part of my life than Mr. Brady, right? But is that a cop out? I don't know. I just know I've stopped talking to God and that makes me sad. I've been incredibly busy lately and I've been talking, on the phone and in email, to a lot of people from OA about their challenge and struggles and issues and I always bring up my HP and turning it all over. But right now, I'm really not. Right now, I'm kind of hiding out.
The big book and the program literature constantly states and restates "God...as you understand God" and as I understand God is a very simple, very normal, very Judeo-Christian which is part of the reason M. had so many problems with me beliefs. They were so normal, so pedestrian, so completely void of "magik" (no I'm not misspelling this, I think this is how his books spell it) and "questioning" and "physics". My God was the God of the small town Sunday Schools and the "sheep" as he called it. And that has always suited me just fine. I've never had a crisis of faith. I've isolated myself from God, a time of two, but I've never felt alone and I've never felt scared.
So now what? Is this a crisis of faith? Or is it something else? I don't even know who to write my God letters to anymore. I know I believe in God. I know the values at the core of myself have no changed. So what has? Why do I feel like I'm still hiding out?
Disease and Insecurity for $1000: "Maybe because you know you're doing something wrong!"
But I don't think I am. I don't think my actions are hurting anyone or are in direct contrast to what I'm supposed to be doing. Is it what God wants me to do? Maybe that's what I need to ask. And I don't know. And in the past, I've always felt like I've known. While I may not have always done it, I've always felt pretty clear on what God wants me to do. And when I didn't, he threw his hands up and groaned and waited for me to come around, patiently, Mr. Brady style!
And I know he's still there. Maybe waiting for me to work this out. Maybe telling me that my prayer and my spiritual life, for now, is like my program and my food plan and abstinence and going to the dentist and doing the dishes and making my bed. Something that sometimes just feels like a chore, but ultimately rewards me in some way. And like the program stuff, there are days when it feeds my soul in a way nothing else ever has. There are days when it makes me alive and functioning and free. And there may be days when it feels like a weight I have to strap around my neck and drag from place to place, but these days are few and far between and no matter what, He'll lead me back to where I need to be, which is right there with Him.
Thanks Mr. Brady! :)
Dear God,
Yes, I've been away a few weeks, but I'm back now. No matter what my trepidation, I know that you will always love me and always guide me and always make me feel like I am one of your children. I will continue to pray and ask for guidance and hopefully be able to follow the answers set before me. Thank you for always helping to lift me up,
Love,
Shannon

Adjustments

So things are slowly starting to look up. I survived the week from hell and if today is counted as the first day of the week (and let's just do that!), then things are okay. Gave a speech and got some good feedback. I used to worry about not having enough to say. Not I'm speaking quicker to get it all in. I'll take that as a good sign. My ultimate dream would be for a program retreat or a convention, maybe even one not in the area, would ask me to be their speaker for an entire weekend. It looks like fun and it looks exciting, but I've adjusted some of my viewpoints. I'm not desperate for this to happen. It may never happen or it may be years away. But I think it would be awesome.
So recently I heard from H. H. is a man I briefly was involved with a few years back. Nice guy, funny, good conversation. He is a very flirtatious man, probably 20 years older than me or so. Very charming. And while we never dated or really got involved in a relationship, we did embark on a brief sexual relationship. H. is apparently interested in starting this up again. My issues:
A) The sex was bad. It was only twice and both times we were on a definite time crunch, to be fair, but I have zero good memories about the physical part of the relationship. I was thrilled to have someone take an interest in me, since M. had no interest, but the interest and the flirting were exciting. The physical contact was not.
B) Do I want a strictly physical relationship? I don't know. It really depends on what day I ask myself! On some levels, it is very appealing. But could I even find someone willing to do that? Apparently I could! H. is ready, willing and able. My situation doesn't matter to him and may not matter to others I could find.
Honestly, I'm thinking that if I decide I do want a relationship, my situation is going to be a bigger issue than I thought. I am the ultimate champion at self deception and self manipulation and I had my mind in this fairy land where everyone understands everything and there are no issues and no awkwardness. It doesn't exist.
I blame Grey's Anatomy. I convince myself that sex with someone, scratch that, GOOD sex with someone, would be acceptable. Scratch an itch as it were. I certainly don't think it's a bad idea. But then I watch stupid Grey's Anatomy where an 18 year old brain tumor victim is telling his 18 year old girlfriend (who also has a brain tumor) that they both need to get experimental surgery. And why? To quote him,"I'm not finished loving you." and I just get all mushy. Of course, this happens every day right? Grey's Anatomy is nothing, if not realistic to a fault!!!!
I don't like mushy. I'm not used to mushy. I want to be the kind of person who can go out, get some sex and come home and go to bed and not look back. I used to be that person. (A slut? I don't think so, but everyone is entitled to their opinion). Now, what do I want? Man, I wish I had the answer to that question. I guess I can't answer. I guess I have to look around, see what the individual situation is and adjust accordingly. Adjust my feelings, adjust my expectations, define success for me. I head that at a meeting a few months ago. Defining success. Because it's different for everyone. What is success for me? Maybe I can get the answer to that when Lost comes on next Thursday!!!

Where in the hell is the f&*#ing glow?!?!?!

So last Thursday was officially the worst day of my life, I was convinced at the time. The worst day of my life has segued into the worst week of my life. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m impatient, I’m cranky, I’m feeling like I’m just not a very nice person right now. And I don’t want that to come off as a desperate plea for the “Oh sure you are!” or reinforcement from friends. Anyone reading this is reading it because I love and trust them (there are only about 5 of you) and I’m not looking for someone to say “You’re great!” Honestly, I’m not.

Work, work, work. Two jobs is a lot, but it’s mainly everything going on at the full time job. It is the busy time of the year.

Female stuff. I’ll say no more.

Dental work. I had to get my teeth drilled, which is never fun. But then the dentist gives me this prescription that apparently has these awesome side effects. Depression and water retention. A double jackpot!!! Plus, they made me feel really sick, so they only lasted 2 days.

I’ve officially been dumped by E. Apparently my living situation was too much for her. B asked me if I needed to grieve or mourn. I said I didn't. What I need to do is see if I've been kidding myself by thinking I could find someone who finds my situation "hunky dory". E said she wanted all my attention focused on her and she knew that was selfish. But I'm not devastated. It was 2 dates with zero physical action. Not even a kiss. She wanted to know if I was just after sex. J. asked me the same thing about E. It really wasn't that. It may not be about being with some "great love". It's about being with someone and being happy and being comfortable and laughing and having good sex and good talks.

Had a cyber-fight, I guess you would call it, with J.

M had an issue and while I haven’t let that bother me in more than a year, I let it get to me a little. I let myself get sucked back in, slightly, to trying to convince him to calm down and not get berserk, which makes me go a little berserk myself.

This morning, I realized I forgot to pay my cell phone bill, so it was temporarily disconnected. So while I’m on the phone with the company getting it turned back on, sitting in traffic, I’m hysterically sobbing.

I haven’t picked up the food. That means that all these things are coming at me and I am feeling every single one of them. I have not anesthetized myself at all. And again, I’m not saying that for a round of applause or admiration. Because it sucks. Part of me thinks I haven’t picked up because honestly, I haven’t had the energy to pick up. I feel so beaten down and so fatigued and so disinterested in everything. I don’t care about much right now. And if I am abstinent, aren’t I supposed to feel good? Aren’t I supposed to feel happy or proud or like I’ve accomplished something? Don’t I get to feel some sort of glow that comes from knowing that even in the darkest times, I can come out the other side with the help of my HP and my sponsor and my OA family and my tools? Where is my glow!?!?!

Yeah, I got nothing!

Okay, so what am I grateful for right now? What is going well? There's got to be something, right?

Lemon flavored prunes - had them yesterday and they are awesome!!!

McG - She should really be first, but I'm too lazy to edit now! That little face, that smile, those million miracles a day, that amazing little person, who is so much more than I'll ever be, and who tells me everyday that I'm beautiful...with her around, I can't ever forget how lucky I am.

Fight with J. did not last very long. I realized, as I told her, I was having a psychotic break.
Got my equilibrium back with M. His moods are his moods. Not my concern.
I got a sponsee this week. I like him and I hope he likes me and I hope I can not screw this up!

A good friend in the program called me and told me that I was an example to her and that something I said last week inspired her and helped her. That made me smile.

In 3 weeks, M & McG will be on their way to FL and I will be absolutely on my own.

B. I love B. so much. B makes me smile and her voice instantly makes me calm and serene. She’s the mother I should have had! (Which doesn’t mean I don’t love mine!)

My room (I want to make this a separate entry so I’ll leave it at that)

The rain. It’s rained here…a lot! I haven’t checked the numbers but this has got to be some kind of record. It is not hot yet and it’s been a really wet spring. And I love the rain. The rain is my favorite. And now, I’m in a position where I can lie in bed and watch the rain. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s like God’s sound machine!

I haven’t binged. I haven’t done any Steps. I haven’t done a lot of reaching out. I haven’t prayed like I should, but my food is clean. It’s like God is giving me a pass for this week. I’ll take care of you and I’ll give you a week off of your action, because I know it’s been tough. That’s a great gift.

Gneil. For Mother’s Day, I picked out a gnome. He’s 3” tall and his gname is Gneil and he is holding flowers and a basket and he doesn’t look angry and he doesn’t smile. He looks calm and serene. I look at Gneil and I feel better. He’s my serenity gnome. (No that's not his picture. He's MUCH handsomer!!!)

In a few weeks I start yoga. I’m really looking forward to that.

My friends, especially my OA family, who make me feel so special everyday.

I know there’s more, but I’m going to stop there. (I wrote that after #9 but went back and added 5 more!!!)

I’m going to remember that this too shall pass. Things are going to get better and they are going to get worse. I’m going to remember that. Remember! Damn! If I could just find a Vulcan to do that mind meld thing on me!!! I’ll bet then I could get a freakin’ glow going!

Issues and baggage and drama, OH MY!!!

It's time to realize and accept that at the age of 38, I am going to be unable to find a relationship void of issues, baggage and drama. They will not and do not exist. Even if I am prepared to enter into a relationship with some 18 year old, with zero history, zero preconceived notions and trust me, that is beginning to sound very attractive at this moment, then that just means the issues and baggage will mostly be mine. But it's still going to be there. Forever.
The real issue is the people I pick and the drama that ensues. Is it just bad luck that I'm picking people with issues, etc. or is it that I am attracted to people because of the drama they offer. Hmmm...
Last night, I told E. about M. This is after E. informed me of all her issues. It basically seemed, about 20 minutes into this discussion, that we were making a list of reasons we shouldn't date anymore!
Side note, yes E. is a woman. Hope no one is shocked. A. says I'm gay. J. says definitely bi- sexual. I say, I like who I like and that gender is beside the point, so whatever that makes me is what I am. I just find it funny that M. used to accuse me of being gay and just marrying him to have a child. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't someone who would do that. If I were gay, then I would not have married a man and I certainly could have had a child without one. But it's funny that now, if I told him I was seeing a woman, he would be absolutely positive that he had been right all these years!!! Yes, I dated you for 2 years and married you for 10, all in an effort to get what I could have gotten with a 1 hour trip to a sperm bank! Nope, sorry dude!
For the love of God, all I want is someone to make out with and touch inappropriately!!! Of course that's not all I want. But is this really so difficult? Maybe it's just been too long for me, but I'm not the nervous, beat around the bush type of person. I know what I want and I want to go after it and see what happens. I want to be straight forward and just find out what the other person wants so we can move on with what we're going to do, one way or the other!
I told D. the other day that there was such a place where people wouldn't care if I was married or if I was whatever and were just willing to have some fun. And that place is called CRAIGSLIST!!! :)
I don't know. I just know that I'm at that point again. The same point I was at a few months ago in a similar situation. I'm ready. I'm not ready to jump into something with anyone off the street, (sorry Craigslist!) but I feel like I am ready to be in a relationship with someone I truly care about and make a connection with and am attracted to. My baggage not withstanding, the ones I find just aren't ready or willing or able and I don't get it. So then, do I continue to pursue, in an effort to be confident and engaging and romantic? I would but then it seems like I'm not any of those things. It seems to come off like I'm predator/stalker girl! I emailed E. and told her to just tell me what she wants to do. If she doesn't want to pursue this, more power to her. I'll survive. Just tell me so I don't feel like an idiot. I don't know that it's gone far enough to truly devastate me. And I have to accept the fact that no matter what, I may meet a completely normal, well adjusted, attractive person that I feel a connection with and my living situation may freak them out. That is 100% possible. At least then, though, I'll worry less about my instincts towards new relationships and just more about my decision making skills and sanity towards the old ones. And THAT I am totally used to!
It's just a little sad. I thought this would work out. It may still. But for now, I still can't find anyone to kiss me.

Boundaries

I looked up the word "Boundaries" and picture and got this. Cool picture but I'm not sure about the boundary tie. So boundaries. I wish my disease had some. I am not used to denying my disease when it throws a tantrum and acts like a petulant child. But I am. I am refusing to give in. If I could only give it a time out!!! Now, my disease is starting in with "You know, your experiment, where you don't keep track of your calories, is totally going to blow up in your face..." "Don't say I didn't warn you..." "Wow! 1 whole month wasted! That's gonna sting!" Thursday was my worst day so far. It was the suckiest day in the history of the world. EVER!!! Okay, not ever, but still, not great. After a wonderful meeting, my disease was STILL debating between ice cream at Sonic or ice cream at McDonalds. I just kept driving. And I don't say this for praise or admiration. It's hard and I hate it and it sucks and this morning, my disease is debating over a banana or peanut butter cups. So far, the banana is winning, so okay...1 day at a time. And pray, dumb ass! I just keep forgetting!!!
Boundaries. I'm not going into the specifics here, because it will either make me seem irrational or...yeah, it's probably just going to do that. There are certain things I don't want to know. And there are certain things I don't mind hearing after I've known someone an appropriate amount of time. Once I've known someone, as a friend, for a certain amount of time (and I have no idea that time) then there is no subject that is off the table. That being said, what about relationship boundaries? It's been so long since I've started a relationship, I'm not sure what the rules are. Scratch that. I know my rules. How do I express those to someone else? M & I know all the rules. There are certain things we do not discuss and never have. And that is something that has worked well. Man, this is so vague! Okay, bodily functions, let's say for an example. We never discussed it. Some people do. For God's sake, my dad goes to the bathroom in front of my stepmom and thinks nothing of it and it totally makes me want to just ewwww. (These are both people with no health issues, just to qualify). I mean, if someone I love needs help, I'm going to do what needs to be done, without a moments hesitation. If you don't need help, then I'm out of there! And living in a house with 2 bathrooms definitely helps. Okay, this is getting rambly. Not sure where it's going. I guess I'm going to have to remember that no one is perfect. That people have issues, just like I have issues. That people seem perfect for a period of time and then they don't. And the imperfect person is never going to live up to the perfect image, but the perfect image doesn't really exist anywhere but in my head. Man, I feel off my game today. I blame my disease. And my mother. Always blame the mother!
Dear God,
Forgive my mother! :) Just kidding. Help me fight my disease.
Love,
Shannon
Date Part Deux tonight. We'll see!

The Experiment of May

So in an effort to completely devoid my life of all numbers, I have been for the month of May, not counting my calories. I am still off sugar, wheat and soda, I still measure things to a certain extent so I know I'm eating a serving. What I'm trying to do is get in touch with my body and figure out what it needs and wants. I eat when I'm hungry. But new part time 2nd job is messing up my times a little, but I am not letting it mess up my food. But there is a number. A magic number. I'm not going to mention it, but there's a number the scale needs to read on 6/1 if I'm going to deem my experiment a success. And the thing is, in the past, I would never have thought about doing an experiment like this. 6/1 might come and I may have put weight on. That would be unfortunate and my Higher Powers way of perhaps telling me I need to keep better count of my calories, and that's fine. In the past, I would have mourned the passing of an entire month without weight loss. I would feel devastated by those 31 days gone and my body is the same or bigger. But now, I want to try it and see what happens. To see if exercising (which I need to do more of) and trying to get in touch with my body will help me lose weight. And this "magic number" is not a large number. It's a reasonable number, and that is also new behavior. If I miss it, I miss it. I'm not getting crazy. I looked at the numbers in a very general way, over the long term and realized what was healthy and doable and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I am at peace, at this moment, with the numbers. Teeny, tiny desire to weigh in tomorrow, since it's the mid point of the month, but I am not going to do it.
Found out that there are subcategories of food I can't eat, within categories I can. I can eat cheese, 1 ounce at a time in total moderation. Unless it's this very soft, mozzarella cheese they put with tomatoes in restaurants quite a bit. If I get 2 pounds of that, I will eat 2 pounds of it within 1 day. I can eat cheese, just not that cheese. Same with chips. I can measure out exactly 1 serving and eat it and be fine. But today, I realized that I can't do that with Trader Joe's root vegetable chips. They are so good and I eat the entire bag if I buy them. That sucks, but there are plenty of sub par chips in the world to eat I guess! :)
2nd real date scheduled (and not technically by me!) and as of yesterday, I am the proud owner of an IPOD. Got to spend the evening with my beautiful girl, just the two of us. The weather wasn't wet for once! Life is okay.
Thank you God, for everything.

It's Alive!!!!!! And she's got 2 in there!!!

Different behavior is odd. It’s kind of unsettling, even if it’s for the good. Lately, I’ve been having a lot of cravings, a lot of food calling, and I don’t think that this is happening necessarily because anything is going on, but it’s calling and I’m craving and for whatever reason, I am not picking up the food. So good, right? But I’m not used to that behavior. I’m used to picking up the food when I have the bad cravings. There have been times in the past few years, when I’ve had a bad craving and I’ve called my sponsor or someone else in program and I’ve worked my steps and I haven’t picked up at that moment, but then usually, later in the day, I would pick up. If the cravings were that bad, I ALWAYS picked up the food. And now I’m not. I’m feeling my cravings, I’m feeling deprived, I’m feeling shaky, but I’m not picking it up. And it’s weird. It’s not joyous and triumphant. It’s not particularly devastating. It just is what it is, I guess. And it’s weird.
When I was pregnant, I kept hearing how great it was to be pregnant. How natural and beautiful it was. To me, it just felt weird. And I was thrilled to be pregnant, don’t get me wrong. But the idea that there was a human floating around in me, was never a natural feeling. That’s something out of a sci-fi movie! There are no people there 1 minute and the next boom, there are! How? Oh my body expelled them! Yeah, that's normal!
I keep saying I want a day that’s different and now I have it. And any new behavior, good or bad, is going to be an adjustment to my perceptions and my equilibrium. As long as I don’t use feeling slightly off balance as an excuse to start eating, I think I’ll be okay.
Dear God,
Please let me remember, today and everyday, that the feelings I have can be experienced without turning it into a trauma and using them as excuses to binge. Let me remember that I have many areas of consistency in my life, the greatest being yours and that I can lean on that when things get shaky.
Love,
Shannon

Overdue Prayers

Dear God,
I've recently realized that I have not written to you in several days and while this may just be an oversight, it may also mean that I am relying on myself instead of turning things over to you and I can't do that. So thank you for everything. Thank you for letting me find the strength, recently, to turn away from food when it is really calling me. Thank you for days that are different, for the health and well being of my family and friends. I pray for all the natural disaster victims also. I pray for SRE to find a wonderful new life on her journey. I thank you for helping me to see things more clearly and know that I have nothing without you. Thank you for your help in my continued quest to turn to you automatically. It's still a struggle, but life is full of them and when I come out on the other side of one, I am unquestionable changed for the better.
Love, Peace and Amen,
Shannon

The Games People Play

In every relationship, there are games that are played. I don't care how much anyone goes on and on about not playing games, if you are in a relationship...and I mean ANY relationship, you play games of some sort. Many times, it's just a psychological game designed to make someone feel better. But if it keeps things at an even keel, what's the harm, right?
The game I've begun, and I don't know how it will play out (haha, play out!) is with E. Because I see it this way...I asked E to go get something to eat with me, just a friendly thing, and then I was the one who basically invited myself over to watch a movie a few weeks later. Then I made the call, I used the word "date" and got that ball rolling. Now I don't mind taking the initiative, I really don't. I have absolutely no problem with it. And in a perfect world, it would work to my advantage and I would be the better for it, right? But, as I've been realizing more and more lately, I don't live in a perfect world. And so the question becomes...Do I want to be an equal participant in my own relationship or do I want to be a cruise director?
Because I will be a cruise director, TRUST ME! I will call and text and email and harangue about times and places. I will get out calendars and flow charts and graphs and figure out locations and logistics until the cows come home. I will make it so that E never has to do anything but show up for the next 6 months. That is my personality, but in this case, it's also the added pressure (self imposed, of course) of wanting my first relationship (and is it too early to call it that?) to go well. If I just keep planning and just keep looking forward, then it will, it has to. Nope, doesn't work that way. Between Burmese Cyclones and Chinese Earthquakes (and getting our own baby earthquakes here in Missouri), things feel unsettled and risky.
Even though I have had a great time on ALL our dates (real and imagined) and even though I think we have clicked, I have to face the fact that I don't really know E. all that well. I don't. Maybe this is a person who just says "Yes" to whatever is there (situation wise, not person wise) and I'm taking this as a sign of actual desire to do whatever I've proposed. My main fear is coming off as pushy. If this is a person who wants to go on a date and then just sit with it for a week and see where the feelings lead to, then isn't it going to make things crazy if I'm jumping around like a puppy saying "When are we doing this again? Huh? Huh? When? Is next week good for you? Huh? Huh?" Needy sucks and I know that. And even needy wrapped in a calm, cool, painfully practiced exterior can be pathetic. I don't want to play stupid games, but honestly, I can't bring up this whole theory after 1 date. Talk about pushy! "I know it's only been 1 date, but I need to talk to you about my boundary issues, my abandonment issues, the fact that I haven't dated in 12 years and the fact that when you don't email me for 16 hours, I hyperventilate just a little..." I can just see it now. E's face lights up and it's all "Oh yeah, baby! Are you ever what I've been looking for!"
So short of letting this whole thing implode, I've decided to sit with it. I've decided to let E. make a move. Propose a date or just get in touch with me. Is it fair to play with game without E's knowledge? I think this is going to give me an honest assessment of the interest and the attraction on the other side of this relationship. I think it's going to teach me patience and to trust in my instincts. I have a 4-5 hour window of free time next Sat night, just sitting there, begging to be filled with a date and it's killing me to NOT make that phone call or email to get it booked (my God, I AM a cruise director!) but that's what I have to do.
Looking back, although there is absolutely no way I EVER would have admitted it until just this moment, I think NOT getting a kiss good night on the first date (and if you're reading this and want to know how THAT didn't happen, call me!) was the best thing that ever happened to me. Maybe the moment on our date when I didn't get a kiss and didn't get to kiss wasn't borne out of a thoughtful "Take it slow" attitude, but that's the attitude it's leading to and that's definitely a game I need to win!

Behold thee, good sir, the thigh

Did anyone know that there is such a thing as a thigh lift? I had no idea! Of course, I also was unaware, until many months ago that you could get plastic surgery on your knees! Interesting! Today is Mothers Day, a pretty nice one, if I do say so. My mother was in town with us on MD for the first time in 4 years, I think. Visits, calls to all maternal units abounded. I want cake! Mom's friend gave Megan 2 big pieces of chocolate cake to take home with her. They smelled really good and while getting her a piece, I really wanted one. But she knew how much cake was in the bag, so I was sort of screwed on my initial plan to sneak some cake out. Easy solution! We (honestly) needed dog food and I needed a few things from the store, juice, etc. "I'm going to the store!" I called. "Well I can go..." M offered, in an attempt, unknown to him, to screw up my sugary OD plans. Why is everything against me today!?!?!?! "No, I've got it!" I said, out the door before another protest could be uttered. In the car, I suddenly remembered that the local ice cream place was giving away from Strawberry Shortcakes for Mothers Day. Woo Hoo! I began to lie to myself instantly. I'll have the free SS (which is really not that big) and then go home after getting dog food. But I knew what I was going to do. Why do I even try to lie? Free SS, followed by 2-3 items of sugar from the store and then a sneaking binge for the rest of the night. Did I really think I was that stupid that I would buy this whole "1 Strawberry shortcake and that's all?" So I got in line. 2 people in front of me. Waiting, waiting. And I looked down. Down at my thigh. My left thigh, encased in some jeans. And it didn't look 1/2 bad, this thigh. It's never going to be perfect, it's never going to be tiny. But it's not huge. It's certainly significantly smaller than 2 years ago. I just stared at it and kept thinking "This thing is really pretty cool!". My HP did me a solid and made sure no one pulled in behind me. So I was able to back out and drive to the store, where I proceeded to buy only the things I needed, all of which are on my food plan. I came home, had my dinner and began making things for the coming week. Did I feel deprived? Maybe a little, but nothing too bad. Do I feel proud of myself? I'm not sure. Maybe I should. Or maybe I can just chalk it up to a good moment on a good day and move onto the next challenge. Like figuring out my love life! More on that later...

Questions, questions!!!

There are questions, right now, I need to ask about my life. I need to ask things of myself and I need to ask others. I need to figure out what direction my life is taking. There are those who say, live for the day, right? There is only the present and right now, my present, is pretty wonderful. In all senses. But there are clouds out there, on the horizon. It involves me telling the people in my life, honestly, about my situations, hopes and wishes and getting feedback. Not feedback as in "Well, here's what I think you should do..." but feedback like "Hey, you've been lying to me AND you just turned all my perceptions and ideas on their ass you selfish bitch!"

There are things about my life that effect the lives of the people in it. If I decide to draw $4000 out of my checking account and go spend it all at a casino, that is going to effect someone's life besides mine. Several people. If I am going to start dating, that is going to effect 2-3 people, at least and if none of these people know what the situation is, if none of them are aware of all the issues and elements, A) does that mean I am being dishonest and B) does that NOT mean that when these people find out, things are going to be 100 times worse??
I need to find out what M's plan are for the future. And it sounds terrible, but then I can gauge my plans accordingly. This is what is tearing me the most. I can gauge my plans according to what M wants or feels? I'm sorry, have it suddenly become 1959??? But then I think, well, everything I have and own is 1/2 his, including a living human and 4 pets! And it's not "Okay, I'm going along with whatever M says" it's the fact that I need to decide if what he is saying is acceptable to me and if not, then I need to decide if I am going to dig in for a fight, walk away or find a compromise. Or maybe it'll be something great that I can live with entirely. Because life is just that fair, right?

I've been thinking about my child a lot lately. About the fact that her life is ruined, no matter what decisions I make, no matter what choices. And by ruined, I mean, in her mind, I'll have screwed it up. If I tell her things about my life, and this applies to a lot of different things, it's going to cause disruption, it's going to cause confusion and possibly pain. If I tell her nothing, then when she finds out the truth, it'll be as if I betrayed her. I can't win. I can't even pretend to try. I can do the best that I can and what? hope and prays it all turns out for the best? Maybe. More on that later! That's a big old blog in itself!!!

I'm beginning to think that B's logic about the public speaking applies to every single thing in life, including life itself. There's the life you want, the life you get and the life you wish you had. And it just irks me so much, that right now the life I've got is the life I want and the life I wish I had. And it feels wonderful. And it feels like I'm building it on the lies I tell others. I don't know what E knows about M. I don't know how much has been gathered from speeches I've given or what has been heard from others. I don't even know how serious it is yet with E, so I can excuse myself from giving up all this info, but I do find myself side stepping certain stories or subjects in order to avoid even bringing up M in front of E. That feels like lying.

M who knows nothing about anything when I walk out the door. I'm going here, I'm going there and often, there is an element of dishonesty when I do. I'm going to a 12 step thing, when I'm not, I'm going to a meeting, I'm going out with J, who is a married friend. They are smoke screens. And I can't pretend it's honest, even though every fiber of my being really wants to. I want to keep feeling the way I feel, and I can't. That sucks!!!

So, onto another question: what is better? Thinking something went well or thinking something went badly and then realizing, maybe it didn't go as badly as you thought. I think the latter, because the joy of realizing everything worked out okay, but coming from a place of suckage, seems to heighten the sensation of everything may have gone okay. I think this was true when I was making my amends. And it's true with other things.
Of course, I am very cryptically referring to my you know what with you know who last night. It went well, I think. I hope. I had a good time. Things happened and didn't happen, but over all, a good first step (although of course, in my mind, it was a 4th or 5th step, since I've been "pretend dating" E since like, October!!!)

I guess we'll see. I need to ask these questions and I need to begin planning my next step and it's so awful because where I am right now, is where I want to be. But maybe the life I'll get will be better and I'll get the high of knowing, it wasn't so bad after all.

Evil hands of fate

A few years back, J & I decided to spend the day watching TV, eating and catching up. We had it all planned, I called in sick and it was going to be great!!! Around 11, the phone rang and it was McG's preschool, telling me she had thrown up & I had to come and get her. At that time, I began to suspect that the universe did not approve of my taking time strictly for myself. Time to be selfish. I felt sabotaged by fate, somehow.
Tonight is my first date with E & my first date in TWELVE YEARS. Clinton was winding down his first term the last time I ventured out on a date. We're going to a concert (Allison Moorer, my favorite singer!) and dinner first. I have a sitter picking McG up from school and bringing her home and M will be home by 7 to take over. I will leave work, stop somewhere to change in a bathroom and try to look amazing and proceed.
M's car broke down yesterday. Why? Something about a serpentine belt and the fact that the Universe is trying to screw me! So now, it is 8 hours & 40 minutes until my date. I'm waiting for a tow truck. I dropped M off at the Metrolink train stop, and am trying to convey, in a very casual way, that I HAVE to leave the house (the house I had no intention of coming to before the concert!!!) by 5:30 and I have to pray that with traffic, that gives me enough time to get to E's, so we can eat and talk and I can be charming and clever before the concert, because that's what people do on dates!!
They don't rush around, hoping they can get where they need to go on time, because Party #1's husband's stupid car broke down!!! And for anyone reading, of course I know how bizarre the entire phrase sounds! Delving into that whole mess...much longer blog later.
I just want tonight to go perfect. And it won't. B always tells me, in relation to speaking in front of crowds, there are 3 kinds of speeches. The one you're going to give, the one you give and the one you wish you gave. Maybe the same applies to dates. The one I want, the one I'll have and the one I'll wish I had. It's not going to be perfect and stressing out (and eating!) isn't going to change that. If E is there & I am there, then it's going to be fine. And if it isn't, then we'll have something to laugh about down the road, when we're reminiscing about our first date and how it would have been so nice to have a second, but the first went so horribly awry, we decided not to tempt fate (fate that HATES ME!) with a second. I am in full-on drama queen mode today, so watch out!
These last few days, I've been acting like an idiot . I am smiling a lot. I get a text and my heart leaps a little. Not a lot. Just a little. Like it's supposed to when you realize that you might like someone as a little more than a friend. E called me sweetness in an email about nothing in particular. Could be that this is like "Honey" which everyone and there mother uses to friends, relatives, enemies and strangers. I use "sweetie" to lots of people, McG's friends, sometimes my friends, it doesn't mean anything more that a nicer way of saying "Hey you!" and that could be all it means. But it made me almost giggle. GIGGLE!!! So I am possibly reading things into this that aren't there. And I said almost made me giggle, so I'm not into lobotomy territory YET!
I am going slow, I am going steady, I have a moderate and acceptable amount of butterflies in my stomach anticipating this. If I could just sacrifice something to the Gods of Fate, I might feel a little more confident. Oh well, it's too late at this point to get a live chicken, so I guess I'll just have to wing it.