Wow! I can't believe I'm back on my blog. I can't believe as much as I used to love posting, that it's been 2 months, but it has. And I've decided to post at a decidedly low point. Things are crappy and keep getting crappier and just when I think I've hit the lowest point of crap, hey guess what!?!? There's 10 more pounds of crap!!! I told B. the story of going to work for this small company 4 months after 9-11 and there was this woman who was just always unpleasant and mean, but what I remember most was her saying that right after 9-11, she had to go into therapy and get on anti-depressants. I asked another woman, "Did she lose someone in 9-11? Did she have family or friends on a plane or in 1 of the buildings?" The co worker said no, the events had just hit this woman hard. I couldn't believe it. I mean 9-11 effected everyone, right? Of course it did, but going to a therapist and getting on anti depressants when no one you knew died? Come on! I thought this woman was a total drama queen and absolutely ridiculous. We weren't friends, by any means, but I think I probably would have judged anyone who told me that, even if I did it silently.
8 years later and where am I? I am in the process of figuring out the logistics for ending a marriage. I am working 2 jobs. I feel like I'm running from morning until night. And now, I've become just this side of depressed. The little things that were never more than a blip in my life, being cut off in traffic, a new task at work that I didn't see coming and have no time for, someone on the phone who won't let me off and is taking my time away from other things, things falling on the ground, they are driving me over the brink. I am crying at the drop of a hat, I can't concentrate. It's one thing after another and I look at myself and I can't believe it. Old, Health S. looks at this S. and is amazed and judgemental and a little disgusted. And it's Christmas. Absolutely one of my favorite times in the world. Especially for the last 8 years, because Thanksgiving is linked to Christmas now by McG's birthday, the best day of my entire life. But I have always, always loved Christmas, not just lights and presesnts and family, but all the religious aspects of it too. Christmas carols (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen in particular) filled me with so much Joy and decorations of my church that held some sort of religious symbolism and listening to the stories that seemed to hold everything together. And cooking and shopping and watching McG. I have always loved Christmas.
This year, it's just another thing that is sinking me deeper in. I try to avoid church when I can. I still teach Sunday School, but I feel like a liar. My 12 step program is actually meeting in my church temporarily, and when Iwent in the other night, the first time in awhile, the decorations threw me. It's almost christmas and I hadn't seen them. That was unusual. And the orchestra was practicing in the sanctuary as I went up the stairs to my meeting. They were playing "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" and I wanted to cry again. That song always sounds just a little sad to me, even though it describes a wonderful, glorious event and I just wanted to cry. It's all I want to do these days.
Now what does this have to do with the angry evil woman and 9-11? Because I lost God, and it seems to be over this idea that terrible things happen to children. Not my child. My child is perfect and wonderful and I thank whatever it is that nothing has ever happened to her. But the fact that these children are not my children flies in the face of my whole 9-11 theory. My child has not been harmed, my friend's children, my family's children have not been kidnapped or raped or tortured or murdered. But I have lost total faith in God, my faith, my peace has disappeared, due to the horrible things that happen to stranger's children. Because I just don't get it. I get that there is evil. Okay check. I get that people can do horrible things to others. Okay. And maybe it doesn't make any sense that while I feel empathy and compassion for adults who have bad things happen, I don't blame God for that. Adults are not helpless, in a lot of cases. Kids are almost always. So a kid dies, a kid gets sexually abused (for YEARS in some cases), a kid gets murdered but not before being tortured for 6 months. Where is God? Is God ignoring this? Or is God maybe not quite as powerful as I've been led to believe? What is the answer?
Well, I don't get an answer, it seems. No one can give me an answer. No one can at least tell me how they get through life and get out of bed in the morning and send there kids to school knowing that a prayer for their safety mainly comes down to dumb luck? What makes my child walk through the door safely while the other little girl down the street gets grabbed by a pedophile? Dumb luck. What makes my child healthy while the little boy 200 miles away gets cancer? Dumb luck. Random, unexplainable dumb luck. The foundation of my life feels like its crumbled and my faith, always the strongest part of me, I felt, the part that allowed me to do everything, has been replaced by this sense of "Cross your fingers and hope it happens to someone else and not you"
How could I not be crying all the time when that's the case? And again, nothing has happened to me. My child is sleeping in her bed (it's Saturday she's acutally in my bed) and she is fine. So what happened? This slow sense of dread happened. A little girl in FL had her remains ID'd yesterday and was probably killed by her mother. Everyday there are these stories of these kids abused, neglected, dead, damaged beyond repair. And where was God when this was happening?
Where was I when this was happening? As a citizen of this world, what have I done to stop this or make it better? Have I even tried? No I have not. But I don't have a book written about how great and almight and powerful I am. People have not been taught that I am capable of miracles beyond the wildest imagination. I have not presented myself as an answer. So my inaction, while certianly not admirable, is not a betrayl of thousands of years of promises that aren't coming true. Adults have free will. They can take what God gave them and use it in horrible ways. I have free will also and I feel responsible for trying to keep myself safe from these horrible things and if I can't, then I'm not sure why, but I do not begrudge God that at all. But I am already dreading whatever is going to happen to the next child or to my child. Is that seeping the quality out of my present life, sure it is. But no one can give me an answer. No one can say "Just tell yourself this and you'll at least be able to function" I say I don't need the truth, just something to help me get out of bed and maybe that's a lie because it does need to be something that makes sense to me.
12 stepers have good advice. "Fire that God and find another one." but I don't want another one. I want the old one. The kind one, the almightly one, the one who was capable of miracles. Okay, so I guess that one is still there. I don't want the old God back. I want the old me back. The old me who questioned nothing. Who did have faith and hope and when bad things happened, kept going back to God for comfort but never demanded that He explain his action or inaction or that he account for his whereabouts when these little people were crying out and needed protection and help, at times from the people closest to them. My sponsor things I need to talk to my doctor about something to take the edge off. I'm inclined to agree, but I need something to restore my faith in everything else too!
I have no answers and that's okay. But no one else does either. Least of all, it seems, God.
Merry Christmas.
