When an Addict Hates Meg Ryan

It's all her fault. 1994 When a Man Loves a Woman. She made it look easy. Okay, she detoxed for about 30 seconds and she hit her kid once and she got grumpy and she fought with Andy Garcia, but overall, it was easy. It was a Hollywood addiction and a Hollywood recovery. She was a fun drunk, then it turned ugly, she hit her kid, she fell through the shower door and off she went to rehab. Oh it was a pretty rehab too! Trees and a lake and Philip Seymour Hoffman! Then she came home and she was better. Sure, she had a rough day or two, she got a little grumpy, but in the end, she spoke at a meeting, she got a chip, she got her husband back and off she went towards a bright, happy, clean and sober future...never to waiver...never to relapse. And her hair looked amazing the ENTIRE TIME!!!!
And that's all I want! Is addiction genetic? Who knows...I'm seriously starting to feel like addiction to drama and delusions of grandeur are absolutely genetic! (Thanks Mom!) I want my big "rock bottom" (don't want to slap McG or anyone else, but some sort of rock bottom!), I want to come out the other side to inspire a nation or some crap like that. I want moderate temptation to come and I want to fight it and be victorious every time! And I want that hair!! Where's the harm in that?
The harm in that is that I am lying to myself and I am destroying myself waiting around. It's what I do. I wait for things to be the way I want them. Sometimes I passively wait, sometimes I jump in and kill myself trying to make them different (hello 11 years of marriage), and it just takes forever for me to realize that maybe beating my head against a wall isn't going to get me the results I want. The problem is my refusal to accept that every day is day 1 in my recovery. 10 minutes after I wake up, I have 10 minutes of abstinence. I heard a person speak once who had more than 2 decades of abstinence and she still identified herself as the sickest person in the room. It's not like I'm walking around saying "I've got it all figured out" I'm just waiting for it to get easier and maybe it won't. Maybe that's the acceptance I am missing. I need to stop waiting for it to get easier. I need to accept that every day may be like day 1. I may not ever be able to take the day before and "coast" for a day. I may never inspire the throngs...but that's okay. As long as I get through each day, abstinent, then I have served myself and that's all I can worry about. As long as each day I am turning everything over to my Higher Power, then maybe that day will be a little easier, but I may still never get to breath a sigh of relief and take a day off.
Maybe I could pattern my life after When Harry Met Sally Meg Ryan instead. After 11 years of marriage, I know I am capable of faking...well never mind!

Hiking for Peace

As an addict, I do nothing ½ way. I never have. If something catches my eye or my fancy, then I am in it, 100%. How long my interest lasts depends on factors too numerous to mention and knowing this, I have programmed myself to at least attempt to be cautious before I dive in. (Anyone wanna buy about $500 worth of scrapbooking supplies!?!!)
Lately, it’s been hiking. A program friend took me hiking last year in Castlewood State Park and I absolutely loved it, but for whatever reason, I didn’t do much after that. Then I started taking McG to Babler State Park in Chesterfield. And while I am thrilled to get her out of the house, out in the fresh air, AWAY FROM TV, she is not the best hiking partner. She gets distracted by air! So if there is something shiny on the ground, I can immediately say good bye to maybe 15 minutes. So now, I have to condition myself to think of these hikes with McG as outings…enjoyable outings with no purpose to them beyond togetherness and communing with nature. This will allow me to enjoy close, special time with my daughter without turning into a drill sergeant. “Move it! Move it! Move it! Your stamina is shit! A big hill?!?!? Jesus, this is barely an incline you freakin’ wuss!!” (In fairness to myself, I do not SAY these things to my 8 year old…I just think them and wipe the blood from my lip…Please do NOT call child services...)
I really enjoyed hiking with my friend last year and know that hiking with people would be pleasurable, but when I’m on my own, I just remember how much I enjoy being alone. Silence if I want it, Guns n’ Roses blasting in my ears if I want it, going fast, going slow. Last week at Castlewood, I went the full length of this trail and then I went back up it and went down a different way and I didn’t have to discuss it with anyone. I was free to do as I like.
While thinking about this, I couldn’t help but wonder... (HA! SATC shout out!!! SJP is awesome!!! )...
Seriously, time is getting short. In June, assuming things work out the way they are supposed to (and don’t they ALWAYS!??!?!?!) I’m going to have 24 hours to myself, during the weekend. Starting next year, I’ll be divorced and on my own. And I worry about McG, who doesn’t know yet. I dread telling her and know it will be difficult. From my perspective, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be on my own. I can’t wait to do what I want, when I want. I’m going to be a single mom, I KNOW my life isn’t going to be 1 big stretch of free time by any means, but when I get it…and I can go where I want and answer to no one…my heart leaps thinking about it. The hiking represents freedom, maybe. I am in touch with things I have never been. I’m enjoying the outdoors for God’s sake! I don’t think this will necessarily translate into my suddenly liking summer, but who the hell knows? Suddenly, everything is an option! Every possibility is opened up. I am happy. When was the last time I could truly say that to myself. Of course it’s not perfect…if I thought it was, I would need to get my head examined or prepare myself for a major relapse. But these days, more often than not, God is smiling on me. And when things don’t work out, that’s okay too. I’m not blaming God, I’m not falling apart. Everything in my life, right now, is what it is and feeling at peace with that is the perception I’ve always wanted. And so far, it’s only cost me $20 for a hiking belt I can store my keys in!!!!!