Confidence

I can't relate to shyness. I can't relate to fear of speaking in front of people or walking into a room full of people I don't know and mingling. Making eye contact? Smiling at a stranger? Saying a pleasant hello to someone passing you in the supermarket? Piece of cake! I do not question my ability to take on new projects or to tp at least try much of anything. If I don't think I can do something, I'll usually speak up, but I'm always willing to try. Some people call this confidence. And that's fine. It's something that hasn't ever bothered me.
But recently my sponsor and I had to do some work on the character defect of being overly confident and here's where that comes from. There have been things in the past that should not have worked out. Things I ignored that needed attention, things that should have blown up in my face and didn't. These were not things that I had labored on and they just didn't work out. They are things that should not have, due to my own actions or lack of. But in these situations, I basically chalk it up to God doing me a solid and letting it work out. Unfortunately, it has given me the expectation that things are just going to work out in the future, whether I do what I need to do or not. At times, it has made me lazy. At times it has made me shirk (what a cool word) my responsibilities, because I just have this feeling that everything is going to work out okay. And it doesn't seem to really matter that it doesn't sometimes.
I do consider myself a hard worker, but that is not always the case. And sure, everyone occasionally goofs off or procrastinates, but I tend to not learn from the times that it blows up in my face. I want to start doing that.
For some reason, thinking about confidence has led into noticing this pattern among people I've been in relationships with. They're all similar in that they are all off. Just a little. I mean that in a good way, being off kilter, being just this side of odd, I dig that. ("dig that"...a woefully underused phrase). When I met & married M, he was 38 and had barely had 1 girlfriend in his life. Now he was (and is) smart and funny, but take him into a social situation and more often than not, he pulls a "Rainman", barely speaking at all and people think I've brought my mentally challenged friend to an event. When he gets nervous, he sometimes has trouble communicating and can get himself almost hysterical when things don't go right. And some people before and after him, it just seems like they lack something, maybe confidence or maybe something else, that gives them this trouble between what's in their heads and hearts and the words and actions they display. Sometimes they communicate fine, but internally they don't seem to know exactly what they want or how to express it, even to themselves. Or they are just missing a gene of some sort that allows them to see clearly how to get what they want. I don't know. They are all missing something, (and that's not to say that I'm not missing anything. There's something we're all missing!), but they all seem to be missing the same thing. And I guess it's the patterns we all get into. My pattern seems to be people who have very little relationship experience, for whatever reason, and some how I end up taking the lead and they are generally what my grandmother would have called "queer ducks". But I like the queer ducks and I don't realize the other stuff until I'm already involved.
What I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I want, I can express that in a way that makes perfectly clear my intentions and feelings. I've been told I'm eloquent but I wouldn't get that fancy or pretentious with it. But I'm a good talker. I come from two of the champions of talking. I go back and genetically, I can't point to 1 tongue tied individual in my entire family! Speechless was not a state anyone has ever experienced in my family. And is there anything wrong with that? Maybe not.
But I sometimes wonder what would happen if I went out and found someone confident, another "talker". Someone who knew what they wanted, knew how to ask for it, knew how to get it. What would happen if I found myself? My guess is that we would probably hyper each other into a frenzy and end up in a battle of wills over who gets what they want. Or neither of us would shut up. Ever.
I guess I bring this up, because after a few months of platonic friendship, E is back on the dating radar, possibly. And we talk a lot, we communicate, but when it comes to talking about what she wants in a relationship or the two of us, I'm lucky to get 3 words out of her. Not a complaint, just an observation. I wasn't trying to get her to date me again. I was trying to be friends. I was trying to not be jealous when I saw her talking to other women. But once, in an email correspondence about hanging out, as friends, I saw an opening to re approach the dating issue and I took it. And so far, it's worked. She's aware of my situation, still. I think I'm aware of her feelings, but damn, trying to just get them out of her is like pulling teeth. But again, it's not a complaint. I care for her, as she is. I have always tried to accept everyone for who they are, always. I really work hard not to try and change anyone and since joining OA, where you aren't supposed to even give advice (just share your experience, strength and hope), I find myself trying even less.
If this doesn't work out, then I'll be sad, but I don't see myself as being devastated. There are definite limitations on both sides. But does this mean I'm indifferent? Does it mean I'm not emotionally invested? I smile just a little more when she sends me an email or a text and I really do have a good time. Maybe it's just my confidence to go on, in the face of any situation or relationship. Does the inability to fall apart because someone has left you mean that there's a small part of you, inside, that is gone or dead? The idealism maybe? Is that sad? I know I used to have it. Maybe that's what I'm missing.
Part of it could be that I don't know what this is. And I'm not sure she does either. Are we a couple? Or are we friends who care about each other deeply and may have a physical relationship? Does all this go on until she finds someone who can give her exactly what she needs and wants? I've left that for her to decide. (Inability to make a decision! Another of her quirks that make me smile as I pull my hair out!)
Right now, I'm taking my 3 1/2 hours per month I've allotted for relationships (I'm only 1/2 joking) and seeing where it leads. And I'm going to try and have confidence that in the end it'll go where it's supposed to go. This whole thing sounds convoluted and twisty, but in my heart, I am confident that it's nice to know for now, someone out there cares for me.

The Finer Things In Life

My good friend R. (Missouri R. not to be confused with Maryland R.) and I went to dinner a few weeks ago and she was telling me about a purse she had purchased. Apparently it was a very good bag (I think she said Coach, but could be mistaken) and she got it at a good price at a Coach outlet store, because there was a small scratch on it and while she was walking around with it, thinking about buying it, other women in the store were stopping and asking her about the bag, because apparently it was one of this years styles, rather than last years, which it sounded like was all the store usually carried. This is the gist I got from hearing her tell it and I hope I get this right! Anyway, after listening to her tell this story and struggle a little with her guilt at paying a lot of money for a handbag, even if it was discounted, I told her that I was carrying my papers, makeup, wallet, spare change, cell phone, day planner, etc. in one of those $.99 Earth Friendly, sort of cloth, reusable grocery bags all the stores are selling now. Oh and by the way, it has a rip in 1 side! R's take on this story is that I am not getting my pleasure in life from buying things and that's to be admired. My take is that even if I saw a really good, high quality bag at a discount, I wouldn't know it. Even if I didn't buy it or consider buying it, I wouldn't know enough about these things to point it out and recognize it myself.
R will serve what she calls "a really good piece of cheese" as a course of its own at dinner. I don't even know that I would know what a really good piece of cheese is. And if you say "piece", I'm thinking of a cube of Colby jack from IGA, not a large piece to be served to multiple people. I don't know what a good year for wine is. I buy fish frozen from Sam's, not a "good piece of fresh salmon" from anywhere.
My friend C. & I took our 6 year olds, two Christmases ago, to a small, local art foundry to see The Nutcracker. This was just little girls enrolled in dance classes performing select pieces of the ballet for the audience, not the entire ballet. Afterwards, there was a "tea" for the moms and daughters. It was nice. The girls loved it. During the tea, C. started explaining to her daughter which utensil meant what and where it was supposed to be placed. And where the glass was supposed to be in relation to the plate. I just smiled and nodded and told McG to please take her elbows off the table. This is the extent of my "table manners". If there are more than 2 forks, I'm at a loss.
My parents were trailer people. I usually say it half teasingly, but it's true. I was born in a little, backwater town in SE Missouri. True, we moved a lot after I was 5, but we certainly weren't moving to places that I would consider the epicenter of high society. Cedar Rapids IA, to the best of my knowledge, did not have a society page. And my mother didn't spend much time (okay any time) teaching any social graces. Not that it really mattered, because none of my friends were deploring my lack of pinkie extension when drinking my tea.
I buy my clothes from Target. My sunglasses are $.99 and I got them at a gas station. And I guess it appears this points to my what? Financial sensibility? Maybe. But I just think it would be nice to say "Oh, this is a really good _________ and I appreciate the exquisiteness of it!" even if I don't have the money to buy it!
Not that I'm without appreciation of things. I was a classical music major in college, so I know something about music beyond Mozart and Beethoven and as anyone who knows me can attest, my taste in movies is very, very broad. Foreign language movies. Existential films. I am open and appreciative of all of them. That somehow makes me feel a little better about my own standing in this non-existent community I have apparently conjured up.
I took McG to the art museum for the first time last week and had a great time. She seemed to enjoy some of the art, we talked about some of it, what it looked like to us. There was a very haunting 5 minute movie called "The Accident" that she pronounced "boring" and the nudes were met with a perfect balance of shocked dismay and and hushed delight. "Mom! There boobs are showing!" Well, she's 7, so I'm not going to worry too much about it. Yet. I'll just keep telling her to take her elbows off the table and worry about the rest later!

My Audience

I have been so busy, I can't even take the time to recount how busy I am. Plus I've got 3 blog entries floating in my head! But this is what I wanted to address today, and I'm putting myself 2 hours behind to do it! I have been busy, job after job, event after event, commitment after...okay you get the picture. And I've missed my blog. I've missed getting my thoughts out of my head. I've missed writing. I've missed searching for a picture to capture the general gist of my message. This is something that's important to me and it's something I enjoy and I have to make time to do it, going forward. I owe myself something fun and relaxing. But what went through my mind a couple days ago was, "What about the people who are reading my blog?" That means you, anyone who happens to look this up! Are you checking in still, looking for a new post? (I say looking, I mean desperate though). Are you wondering where I am? Are you so anxious (again desperate) for the new pearls of wisdom falling from my miraculous brain to my nimble fingertips that you are constantly hitting the link to my blog in order to see, hope upon hope, that I have managed to grace you with my view of the world for yet another day. Am I being over dramatic? Absolutely. Am I kidding? Sort of. In my mind, this is precisely what I mean and this has scared me, because it is my mother (and we all know the mother issues!)
My mother spent 40 years on the radio, she spent 40 years as a minor local "celebrity" wherever we went. People would, literally, recognize her voice in the grocery store or a restaurant and stop us to gush about how wonderful she was. It was a drug to her and the withdrawal from this is going to keep her shaking until she dies. That was her audience and she had to have them and she had to make sure she was better, smarter and funnier than anyone else. And that spilled over into other "audiences". Co-workers, drinking buddies, family members.
Growing up, the most important thing in my family, was to get "the line". It wasn't being smart or having a good heart or respecting and caring for others. It was, in any situation, who could surmise the situation, at the speed of light, and come up with a funny, snarky line that made everyone laugh, yet while they were laughing, they were also, internally (and sometimes externally) amazed at your quick wit and mental/verbal prowess. My mother, to this day, still says (proudly) "In our family, it was who could get the best line in!" I'm starting to wonder how much of a curse this was?
I have a decent sense of humor. My mind immediately goes for the "punchline" and more often than not, I will share that punch line, in order to get a laugh (a small dose of approval, wafting through the air towards my desperate ears). The sickness I've noticed is that if I share an anecdote, if I share a joke or a line that succinctly gets to the heart of something that is going on and makes people laugh, I relish it and that's fine. But then, I repeat it to 4 other people "I was just telling John over there..." in order to get more!
The upside is that many times I am aware of it. I won't wait around anymore to make sure I can get a line in before leaving a room, I won't search and search for an opening to get my 2 cents worth in (at least I hope I don't!). If the opportunity is there, then I take it, but I try not to force it. But then people say "You're so funny!" or "Man, you should do comedy!" and I smile and feel good and later pray that I wasn't being obnoxious about it. That people aren't saying "Man, how overbearing with the jokes can 1 person be!" I never want my audience to turn on me. And unfortunately, that's how the tiny back part of my brain that I try to stay away from has started thinking of the people who read this.
So by not blogging, because I'm so busy, am I not only denying myself something I enjoy and get a lot from, but am I denying my audience? OH MY GOD!!!! NO NO NO!!!! I will not go down this road! I will perform every single step of my program on this character defect. If you are reading the blog and enjoy it and wish to share with me that you do, then God bless you and thank you for the support. But this is NOT why I started this and this WILL NOT be the reason I am posting and the reason I'm kicking myself for not.
This is my recovery blog. This is about my illness, my recovery, my sick twisted view on life and if you read, thanks. If you don't, I can't care. If you call or email or ask me "Hey, you haven't posted in a while, is everything okay?" then it is because you are my friend and want to make sure I'm okay. NOT because you are going through a withdrawal of "me". I will not go down that road.
You are not my audience. You are kind people whom I love. (And who forgive me if I use who and whom wrong). Should you decide to check in and see what's on here, go for it. If not, that's not my problem or responsibility.
I hope it doesn't come off like I'm yelling at you. I'm yelling at me. I'm yelling at the little tiny doll inside my head who looks just like my Mom. I'm yelling at the universe. Not at any of you. (And I may be delusional as to how many of you that are actually reading this or are even invested!)
So to anyone who is reading this entry and find yourself thinking "Man, how self important is this freakin' chick?"
I proudly answer "A little less than before!"

Brief apology

Sorry! I'm not dead in a ditch (as my mother used to always accuse me of after not having heard from me for 20 minutes!) Posting will resume very, very soon!