The Perfect Food

Well, everyone knows I'm a Google girl, so I googled "perfect food" and this attrocity came up. Sorry whatever you are, but this? I can feel my arteries hardening just looking at it! Are those mashed potatoes? For a base? Anyway, what I hear alot of in program is a quest, especially during relapse, for "the perfect food" and how "it doesn't exist" I emailed B., my sponsor, today that there is the perfect food. 5 years ago I discovered it. I worked in this super small office and we received a lot of gift baskets and sets at Christmas from lawyers and vendors we did business with and that's when I discovered it. I ate some and ate some more and was immediately hooked. It had sugar, so it wasn't hard for me to get hooked! I didn't see it in stores, and didn't really seek it out, but I dreamt of it, believe me! I knew it was possible to obtain it by mail order or internet order through this high end food company, but for whatever reason, never did that. (THAT surprised me!). Anyway, the next two years it was a joke in my company that the minute these food gifts started showing up, people handed me the full box of these unopened delights, without so much as a raised eyebrow.
I haven't been at that company since my recovery and while I did come into contact with it last Christmas (larger company but we still get the gift baskets), yesterday I found it within my grasp. A full box. No one around and a stressor or two weighing on my beforehand. (Part of a Mother's Day gift pack (not mine!) it appears)
Am I abstinent or am I not? For me, it comes down to that question and that commitment. At Mother's Day lunch Saturday, when dessert came, my mother didn't PRESSURE me, as much as say "REally? Still no sugar at all?" and launched into a slight ribbing of my "No meat-no sugar, minimal wheat, no soda" plan. I simply said, firmly, "If I eat a piece of dessert...a bite of dessert, I will stop on the way home and get a big bag of cookies and eat them all in the car..."
My mother scoffed. "You wouldn't do that in front of McG!" (8 year old daughter)
I nodded, "You're absolutely right...I would wait until I got home, lock myself in my room and eat them all then."
Because I would. I'm a junkie, I'm an addict. I put sugar in my body like someone else will put a needle in their arm and the minute I forget that, I'm dead. Later the next night, I let the stressors get to me and I had a bite of something I should not have, but it didn't cause me to binge. It scared me that I let me guard down. I hope that fear is what allowed me, on Monday morning, to walk away from "the perfect food" and stick to my meal plan. I don't think of my Higher Power as punishing and judgemental, but in this case...thanks for the fear! It's saving my life!

When an Addict Hates Meg Ryan

It's all her fault. 1994 When a Man Loves a Woman. She made it look easy. Okay, she detoxed for about 30 seconds and she hit her kid once and she got grumpy and she fought with Andy Garcia, but overall, it was easy. It was a Hollywood addiction and a Hollywood recovery. She was a fun drunk, then it turned ugly, she hit her kid, she fell through the shower door and off she went to rehab. Oh it was a pretty rehab too! Trees and a lake and Philip Seymour Hoffman! Then she came home and she was better. Sure, she had a rough day or two, she got a little grumpy, but in the end, she spoke at a meeting, she got a chip, she got her husband back and off she went towards a bright, happy, clean and sober future...never to waiver...never to relapse. And her hair looked amazing the ENTIRE TIME!!!!
And that's all I want! Is addiction genetic? Who knows...I'm seriously starting to feel like addiction to drama and delusions of grandeur are absolutely genetic! (Thanks Mom!) I want my big "rock bottom" (don't want to slap McG or anyone else, but some sort of rock bottom!), I want to come out the other side to inspire a nation or some crap like that. I want moderate temptation to come and I want to fight it and be victorious every time! And I want that hair!! Where's the harm in that?
The harm in that is that I am lying to myself and I am destroying myself waiting around. It's what I do. I wait for things to be the way I want them. Sometimes I passively wait, sometimes I jump in and kill myself trying to make them different (hello 11 years of marriage), and it just takes forever for me to realize that maybe beating my head against a wall isn't going to get me the results I want. The problem is my refusal to accept that every day is day 1 in my recovery. 10 minutes after I wake up, I have 10 minutes of abstinence. I heard a person speak once who had more than 2 decades of abstinence and she still identified herself as the sickest person in the room. It's not like I'm walking around saying "I've got it all figured out" I'm just waiting for it to get easier and maybe it won't. Maybe that's the acceptance I am missing. I need to stop waiting for it to get easier. I need to accept that every day may be like day 1. I may not ever be able to take the day before and "coast" for a day. I may never inspire the throngs...but that's okay. As long as I get through each day, abstinent, then I have served myself and that's all I can worry about. As long as each day I am turning everything over to my Higher Power, then maybe that day will be a little easier, but I may still never get to breath a sigh of relief and take a day off.
Maybe I could pattern my life after When Harry Met Sally Meg Ryan instead. After 11 years of marriage, I know I am capable of faking...well never mind!

Hiking for Peace

As an addict, I do nothing ½ way. I never have. If something catches my eye or my fancy, then I am in it, 100%. How long my interest lasts depends on factors too numerous to mention and knowing this, I have programmed myself to at least attempt to be cautious before I dive in. (Anyone wanna buy about $500 worth of scrapbooking supplies!?!!)
Lately, it’s been hiking. A program friend took me hiking last year in Castlewood State Park and I absolutely loved it, but for whatever reason, I didn’t do much after that. Then I started taking McG to Babler State Park in Chesterfield. And while I am thrilled to get her out of the house, out in the fresh air, AWAY FROM TV, she is not the best hiking partner. She gets distracted by air! So if there is something shiny on the ground, I can immediately say good bye to maybe 15 minutes. So now, I have to condition myself to think of these hikes with McG as outings…enjoyable outings with no purpose to them beyond togetherness and communing with nature. This will allow me to enjoy close, special time with my daughter without turning into a drill sergeant. “Move it! Move it! Move it! Your stamina is shit! A big hill?!?!? Jesus, this is barely an incline you freakin’ wuss!!” (In fairness to myself, I do not SAY these things to my 8 year old…I just think them and wipe the blood from my lip…Please do NOT call child services...)
I really enjoyed hiking with my friend last year and know that hiking with people would be pleasurable, but when I’m on my own, I just remember how much I enjoy being alone. Silence if I want it, Guns n’ Roses blasting in my ears if I want it, going fast, going slow. Last week at Castlewood, I went the full length of this trail and then I went back up it and went down a different way and I didn’t have to discuss it with anyone. I was free to do as I like.
While thinking about this, I couldn’t help but wonder... (HA! SATC shout out!!! SJP is awesome!!! )...
Seriously, time is getting short. In June, assuming things work out the way they are supposed to (and don’t they ALWAYS!??!?!?!) I’m going to have 24 hours to myself, during the weekend. Starting next year, I’ll be divorced and on my own. And I worry about McG, who doesn’t know yet. I dread telling her and know it will be difficult. From my perspective, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be on my own. I can’t wait to do what I want, when I want. I’m going to be a single mom, I KNOW my life isn’t going to be 1 big stretch of free time by any means, but when I get it…and I can go where I want and answer to no one…my heart leaps thinking about it. The hiking represents freedom, maybe. I am in touch with things I have never been. I’m enjoying the outdoors for God’s sake! I don’t think this will necessarily translate into my suddenly liking summer, but who the hell knows? Suddenly, everything is an option! Every possibility is opened up. I am happy. When was the last time I could truly say that to myself. Of course it’s not perfect…if I thought it was, I would need to get my head examined or prepare myself for a major relapse. But these days, more often than not, God is smiling on me. And when things don’t work out, that’s okay too. I’m not blaming God, I’m not falling apart. Everything in my life, right now, is what it is and feeling at peace with that is the perception I’ve always wanted. And so far, it’s only cost me $20 for a hiking belt I can store my keys in!!!!!

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. How many of those do we get? Go to google and put in "The first day of the rest of my life" and click images. It's picture after picture of happy people, smiling, pets are involved. This picture, I'm not sure of its significance, but it came up also and it looks like the road has rain on it, so it made me smile. But that's what I feel like...today is the first day. Today, I am going to eat only what is on my food plan. Today, I am going to start yoga. Today I am going to read by Big Book. Today, I am going to clean out my closet and I'm not going to be impatient with me child. Why? Because today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I will be kinder and more generous. Today I will EXERCISE!!!! Today, I will meditate and become centered. It's a concept just dripping with optimism. Nothing is outside my grasp...nothing is beyond the realm of possibility. Today is the first day of the rest of my life...today is going to be perfect...

There is my problem. Today is NOT going to be perfect. Today is going to get screwed up, by some idiot on the highway, by some jackass I live with, or...most likely...by me. And once my expectations have not been met, then I will abandon my lofty goals and I will resume my old patterns...many of which are not the best for me. I won't look forward, I'll get bogged down in the past or in the comfortable or in what I'm used to. I'm not going to break out of my comfort zone once I have to face that the first day of the rest of my life was crappy on some level.

So today, just for today, not forever, not for the forseeable future, just for today, I am going to accept that the first day of the rest of my life will be fraught with peril. (What an awesome phrase!) Today, the first day of the rest of my life, I'm going to do SOMETHING better than I did it yesterday. Today I am going to try and do something I didn't do yesterday. Today I am going to make an effort to improve my life a little bit. Today I am going to focus on something I need to get accomplished and work hard to make that happen. Today I am going to thank God for my health, the health of my child, the health of those I love and pray for the world. And when bad things happen, I will make an effort not to blame God. Today, I am going to breath. And I am going to forgive myself. And I am going to live.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. But you know what? Everyday is the first day of the rest of my life.

The first leg

In my own defense, THIS is a picture that came up when I googled "Road Trip" images. And also, I wanted to give my zero readers an image of what I truly look like on my current road trip.

McG is 8...someone said what a wonderful memory for her and I...her first real road trip. But how much will she actually remember? So I figured I should get something down. I mentioned in yesterday's post how much I love road trips. Getting in the car and driving...one of my absolute favorite things to do. I'm not going to say I'm a big travel person overall. I tend to feel very displaced when I get home after being gone and I can't say I like my memories spread out all over the place, but the actual act and process of getting in a car and driving...absolute heaven! So we rented a car. Showed up with our reservation and left the lot...an hour and a half later, when people who were supposed to return their cars the Sat before actually started showing up. (This was Monday morning!) But the trip to Cincinnati was smooth. Even having to drive through Illinois. But it's all America and maybe the rest of the world looks like this, but I like to pretend that it's just us. Now anyone who knows me knows I'm not a great patriot by any means, so it's odd that city skylines and dilapidated barns and trailer parks with broken down cars in the front yard, green rolling hills and bleak looking industrial parks and bland, pedestrian suburbs fill me with a sense of wonder and love of this country. I've never claimed to understand it, I just try to go with it.

I wanted to show McG some places I grew up, places I hadn't been in 20 years or more. (How is that possible?!). So we hit the open road towards Cincinnati. McG was obsessed with telling everyone she was going to "5 states!" If you count Missouri, she now has. We got to Cincinnati and I realized that we had lost an hour and began to grumble at the stupid car rental people who did NOT change the clock in the car. Later I realized hey! we are in a different time zone! Okay, moving on...

But we had the experiences of the disgusting road side bathrooms, even using a men's room in 1 case when I seriously thought I was going to explode.

We hit the school, the apartment, the house just over the river in Covington. We did not partake in any famous Cincinnati chili, as I have moved away from my murderous carnivorous ways and McG said she didn't like chili or chili dogs, so we passed. My mother will never forgive us, I think!

So we rounded out the day with a trip to Florence Mall (Florence Y'All for any natives) where I tried tofu (see previous post) and McG, in an attempt to expand her horizons on her first ever road trip, partook of McDonald's Chicken Nuggets!!!!

We ended the day at the Motel 6 in Florence KY. The Motel 6, it turns out, with no air, so they suggested we open the window. The window with no screen, right next to the elevator. The window that anyone could walk up to and reach into if I open it more than 1/4 of an inch. The elevator that dings really loudly, regardless of the window being open or not. The Motel 6 in the general vicinity of the area 3 armed and dangerous convicts were last seen I found out this morning. The Motel 6 with the slightly seedy people walking up and down the stairs. And as I found out this morning, The Motel 6 with zero hot water. No matter how long you let it run.

And I'm not saying any of this with any sense of bitterness or regret. (Okay, a hot shower would have been nice!) This is what I'm going to remember, all these things that make it special. This and the sing a long to the High School Musical 3 soundtrack as we passed the exit to Terre Haute, IN. I'm going to remember eating tofu while my daughter put stickers on her McDonald's Toy. I'm going to remember her in a pair of huge, heart shaped sun glasses in Effingham, Il. I don't know what I'll see or remember about today, Day 2, the last Day. The day we head out to Indianapolis to the Children's Museum before heading home. But it's a road trip. I know I'll remember something!

A New Life

How does one celebrate a new beginning? How do you put your mark on the period of time in which you feel refreshed and renewed and ready to take on the world? Why, by partaking in coagulated soy milk of course!!!!

On Ash Wednesday, I officially became a vegetarian (will continue after Lent, thought) but in 39 years (39 years last Thursday) I had never tried tofu. Had heard good, had heard bad, was intrigued, was nervous. While fairly open minded, as a compulsive overeater, I hesitate to "waste" my meals on something I may not like. This is why I never eat fish in restaurants. If I am eating out, then I am not going to waste the experience on fish...but I digress. Anyway, had the tofu...to step back from congratulating myself too much, it was seasoned and I had it on a bed of rice with black beans, salsa, cheese and guacamole. Honestly, I can't think of much I would turn down, if it was covered in guacamole, but I did take a taste of the tofu by itself and it was good. Consistency of a baked egg kind of. Fluffy. (Next up? Soy chirizo I bought on Friday!!!!)

Anyway, this is something on my list of things to try and do. And truth be told, it's one of the easier ones. I don't know the time and expense involved in learning to fence...I do know the time and effort involved in training to run a half marathon...I know the odds of becoming published...I have learned, lo these many years, the odds of finding someone with talent and skill to teach me to play tennis...tofu, though, represents something to me today. It represents a step into the direction in which nothing is off limits.

Things have shifted, for a number of reasons. I'm going to be 40 in 361 days...I see the end of my marriage in sight and I see a light at the end of the tunnel (and for once it isn't a train!!!). I have remembered parts of myself that I had forgotten (good sex is involved in this discovery...but that may be a different post).

And I feel like, for the first time in a long time, that there is something with me, something bigger than myself helping out. My Higher Power/God/Invisible Cloud Being is dealing me a solid and throwing me a bone. Right now, I'm in a good place on my journey. And that's what I've come to view it as. A journey. I've found some people to assist me on that. I'm working on getting rid of some. But it all feels open. My journey will hit some bumps, no doubt...but for the first time, possibly ever, I'm enjoying the ride.

Today I got in my car and drove with McG on a "girl road trip" for no other reason than to get out of town. I LOVE road trips, always have. Traveling by car is by far my favorite way and I told McG that she will be a fully developed "Road Trip Chick" by the time we're done. We sang Sweet Home Alabama, we used disgusting road side rest rooms...J. pointed out that she can't truly be a "Road Trip Chick" until we've showered in a truck stop. And to be honest, we have not partaken of any jerky products, but hitting the open road, even through Illinois, just makes me feel so free.

Someone asked a friend of mine (and it's a big question in 12 step it seems), "What would you do if you had no fear". I don't feel like fear has really stopped me from doing much. It's more the "No time" "No money" "Other things take priority". I need to start being my priority. I can still be a good mother, a good worker and make myself a priority.

So I tried tofu. Now I just need to track down a sword...