Confidence

I can't relate to shyness. I can't relate to fear of speaking in front of people or walking into a room full of people I don't know and mingling. Making eye contact? Smiling at a stranger? Saying a pleasant hello to someone passing you in the supermarket? Piece of cake! I do not question my ability to take on new projects or to tp at least try much of anything. If I don't think I can do something, I'll usually speak up, but I'm always willing to try. Some people call this confidence. And that's fine. It's something that hasn't ever bothered me.
But recently my sponsor and I had to do some work on the character defect of being overly confident and here's where that comes from. There have been things in the past that should not have worked out. Things I ignored that needed attention, things that should have blown up in my face and didn't. These were not things that I had labored on and they just didn't work out. They are things that should not have, due to my own actions or lack of. But in these situations, I basically chalk it up to God doing me a solid and letting it work out. Unfortunately, it has given me the expectation that things are just going to work out in the future, whether I do what I need to do or not. At times, it has made me lazy. At times it has made me shirk (what a cool word) my responsibilities, because I just have this feeling that everything is going to work out okay. And it doesn't seem to really matter that it doesn't sometimes.
I do consider myself a hard worker, but that is not always the case. And sure, everyone occasionally goofs off or procrastinates, but I tend to not learn from the times that it blows up in my face. I want to start doing that.
For some reason, thinking about confidence has led into noticing this pattern among people I've been in relationships with. They're all similar in that they are all off. Just a little. I mean that in a good way, being off kilter, being just this side of odd, I dig that. ("dig that"...a woefully underused phrase). When I met & married M, he was 38 and had barely had 1 girlfriend in his life. Now he was (and is) smart and funny, but take him into a social situation and more often than not, he pulls a "Rainman", barely speaking at all and people think I've brought my mentally challenged friend to an event. When he gets nervous, he sometimes has trouble communicating and can get himself almost hysterical when things don't go right. And some people before and after him, it just seems like they lack something, maybe confidence or maybe something else, that gives them this trouble between what's in their heads and hearts and the words and actions they display. Sometimes they communicate fine, but internally they don't seem to know exactly what they want or how to express it, even to themselves. Or they are just missing a gene of some sort that allows them to see clearly how to get what they want. I don't know. They are all missing something, (and that's not to say that I'm not missing anything. There's something we're all missing!), but they all seem to be missing the same thing. And I guess it's the patterns we all get into. My pattern seems to be people who have very little relationship experience, for whatever reason, and some how I end up taking the lead and they are generally what my grandmother would have called "queer ducks". But I like the queer ducks and I don't realize the other stuff until I'm already involved.
What I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I want, I can express that in a way that makes perfectly clear my intentions and feelings. I've been told I'm eloquent but I wouldn't get that fancy or pretentious with it. But I'm a good talker. I come from two of the champions of talking. I go back and genetically, I can't point to 1 tongue tied individual in my entire family! Speechless was not a state anyone has ever experienced in my family. And is there anything wrong with that? Maybe not.
But I sometimes wonder what would happen if I went out and found someone confident, another "talker". Someone who knew what they wanted, knew how to ask for it, knew how to get it. What would happen if I found myself? My guess is that we would probably hyper each other into a frenzy and end up in a battle of wills over who gets what they want. Or neither of us would shut up. Ever.
I guess I bring this up, because after a few months of platonic friendship, E is back on the dating radar, possibly. And we talk a lot, we communicate, but when it comes to talking about what she wants in a relationship or the two of us, I'm lucky to get 3 words out of her. Not a complaint, just an observation. I wasn't trying to get her to date me again. I was trying to be friends. I was trying to not be jealous when I saw her talking to other women. But once, in an email correspondence about hanging out, as friends, I saw an opening to re approach the dating issue and I took it. And so far, it's worked. She's aware of my situation, still. I think I'm aware of her feelings, but damn, trying to just get them out of her is like pulling teeth. But again, it's not a complaint. I care for her, as she is. I have always tried to accept everyone for who they are, always. I really work hard not to try and change anyone and since joining OA, where you aren't supposed to even give advice (just share your experience, strength and hope), I find myself trying even less.
If this doesn't work out, then I'll be sad, but I don't see myself as being devastated. There are definite limitations on both sides. But does this mean I'm indifferent? Does it mean I'm not emotionally invested? I smile just a little more when she sends me an email or a text and I really do have a good time. Maybe it's just my confidence to go on, in the face of any situation or relationship. Does the inability to fall apart because someone has left you mean that there's a small part of you, inside, that is gone or dead? The idealism maybe? Is that sad? I know I used to have it. Maybe that's what I'm missing.
Part of it could be that I don't know what this is. And I'm not sure she does either. Are we a couple? Or are we friends who care about each other deeply and may have a physical relationship? Does all this go on until she finds someone who can give her exactly what she needs and wants? I've left that for her to decide. (Inability to make a decision! Another of her quirks that make me smile as I pull my hair out!)
Right now, I'm taking my 3 1/2 hours per month I've allotted for relationships (I'm only 1/2 joking) and seeing where it leads. And I'm going to try and have confidence that in the end it'll go where it's supposed to go. This whole thing sounds convoluted and twisty, but in my heart, I am confident that it's nice to know for now, someone out there cares for me.