As an addict, I do nothing ½ way. I never have. If something catches my eye or my fancy, then I am in it, 100%. How long my interest lasts depends on factors too numerous to mention and knowing this, I have programmed myself to at least attempt to be cautious before I dive in. (Anyone wanna buy about $500 worth of scrapbooking supplies!?!!)
Lately, it’s been hiking. A program friend took me hiking last year in Castlewood State Park and I absolutely loved it, but for whatever reason, I didn’t do much after that. Then I started taking McG to Babler State Park in Chesterfield. And while I am thrilled to get her out of the house, out in the fresh air, AWAY FROM TV, she is not the best hiking partner. She gets distracted by air! So if there is something shiny on the ground, I can immediately say good bye to maybe 15 minutes. So now, I have to condition myself to think of these hikes with McG as outings…enjoyable outings with no purpose to them beyond togetherness and communing with nature. This will allow me to enjoy close, special time with my daughter without turning into a drill sergeant. “Move it! Move it! Move it! Your stamina is shit! A big hill?!?!? Jesus, this is barely an incline you freakin’ wuss!!” (In fairness to myself, I do not SAY these things to my 8 year old…I just think them and wipe the blood from my lip…Please do NOT call child services...)
I really enjoyed hiking with my friend last year and know that hiking with people would be pleasurable, but when I’m on my own, I just remember how much I enjoy being alone. Silence if I want it, Guns n’ Roses blasting in my ears if I want it, going fast, going slow. Last week at Castlewood, I went the full length of this trail and then I went back up it and went down a different way and I didn’t have to discuss it with anyone. I was free to do as I like.
While thinking about this, I couldn’t help but wonder... (HA! SATC shout out!!! SJP is awesome!!! )...
Seriously, time is getting short. In June, assuming things work out the way they are supposed to (and don’t they ALWAYS!??!?!?!) I’m going to have 24 hours to myself, during the weekend. Starting next year, I’ll be divorced and on my own. And I worry about McG, who doesn’t know yet. I dread telling her and know it will be difficult. From my perspective, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be on my own. I can’t wait to do what I want, when I want. I’m going to be a single mom, I KNOW my life isn’t going to be 1 big stretch of free time by any means, but when I get it…and I can go where I want and answer to no one…my heart leaps thinking about it. The hiking represents freedom, maybe. I am in touch with things I have never been. I’m enjoying the outdoors for God’s sake! I don’t think this will necessarily translate into my suddenly liking summer, but who the hell knows? Suddenly, everything is an option! Every possibility is opened up. I am happy. When was the last time I could truly say that to myself. Of course it’s not perfect…if I thought it was, I would need to get my head examined or prepare myself for a major relapse. But these days, more often than not, God is smiling on me. And when things don’t work out, that’s okay too. I’m not blaming God, I’m not falling apart. Everything in my life, right now, is what it is and feeling at peace with that is the perception I’ve always wanted. And so far, it’s only cost me $20 for a hiking belt I can store my keys in!!!!!
Lately, it’s been hiking. A program friend took me hiking last year in Castlewood State Park and I absolutely loved it, but for whatever reason, I didn’t do much after that. Then I started taking McG to Babler State Park in Chesterfield. And while I am thrilled to get her out of the house, out in the fresh air, AWAY FROM TV, she is not the best hiking partner. She gets distracted by air! So if there is something shiny on the ground, I can immediately say good bye to maybe 15 minutes. So now, I have to condition myself to think of these hikes with McG as outings…enjoyable outings with no purpose to them beyond togetherness and communing with nature. This will allow me to enjoy close, special time with my daughter without turning into a drill sergeant. “Move it! Move it! Move it! Your stamina is shit! A big hill?!?!? Jesus, this is barely an incline you freakin’ wuss!!” (In fairness to myself, I do not SAY these things to my 8 year old…I just think them and wipe the blood from my lip…Please do NOT call child services...)
I really enjoyed hiking with my friend last year and know that hiking with people would be pleasurable, but when I’m on my own, I just remember how much I enjoy being alone. Silence if I want it, Guns n’ Roses blasting in my ears if I want it, going fast, going slow. Last week at Castlewood, I went the full length of this trail and then I went back up it and went down a different way and I didn’t have to discuss it with anyone. I was free to do as I like.
While thinking about this, I couldn’t help but wonder... (HA! SATC shout out!!! SJP is awesome!!! )...
Seriously, time is getting short. In June, assuming things work out the way they are supposed to (and don’t they ALWAYS!??!?!?!) I’m going to have 24 hours to myself, during the weekend. Starting next year, I’ll be divorced and on my own. And I worry about McG, who doesn’t know yet. I dread telling her and know it will be difficult. From my perspective, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be on my own. I can’t wait to do what I want, when I want. I’m going to be a single mom, I KNOW my life isn’t going to be 1 big stretch of free time by any means, but when I get it…and I can go where I want and answer to no one…my heart leaps thinking about it. The hiking represents freedom, maybe. I am in touch with things I have never been. I’m enjoying the outdoors for God’s sake! I don’t think this will necessarily translate into my suddenly liking summer, but who the hell knows? Suddenly, everything is an option! Every possibility is opened up. I am happy. When was the last time I could truly say that to myself. Of course it’s not perfect…if I thought it was, I would need to get my head examined or prepare myself for a major relapse. But these days, more often than not, God is smiling on me. And when things don’t work out, that’s okay too. I’m not blaming God, I’m not falling apart. Everything in my life, right now, is what it is and feeling at peace with that is the perception I’ve always wanted. And so far, it’s only cost me $20 for a hiking belt I can store my keys in!!!!!
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