The Perfect Food

Well, everyone knows I'm a Google girl, so I googled "perfect food" and this attrocity came up. Sorry whatever you are, but this? I can feel my arteries hardening just looking at it! Are those mashed potatoes? For a base? Anyway, what I hear alot of in program is a quest, especially during relapse, for "the perfect food" and how "it doesn't exist" I emailed B., my sponsor, today that there is the perfect food. 5 years ago I discovered it. I worked in this super small office and we received a lot of gift baskets and sets at Christmas from lawyers and vendors we did business with and that's when I discovered it. I ate some and ate some more and was immediately hooked. It had sugar, so it wasn't hard for me to get hooked! I didn't see it in stores, and didn't really seek it out, but I dreamt of it, believe me! I knew it was possible to obtain it by mail order or internet order through this high end food company, but for whatever reason, never did that. (THAT surprised me!). Anyway, the next two years it was a joke in my company that the minute these food gifts started showing up, people handed me the full box of these unopened delights, without so much as a raised eyebrow.
I haven't been at that company since my recovery and while I did come into contact with it last Christmas (larger company but we still get the gift baskets), yesterday I found it within my grasp. A full box. No one around and a stressor or two weighing on my beforehand. (Part of a Mother's Day gift pack (not mine!) it appears)
Am I abstinent or am I not? For me, it comes down to that question and that commitment. At Mother's Day lunch Saturday, when dessert came, my mother didn't PRESSURE me, as much as say "REally? Still no sugar at all?" and launched into a slight ribbing of my "No meat-no sugar, minimal wheat, no soda" plan. I simply said, firmly, "If I eat a piece of dessert...a bite of dessert, I will stop on the way home and get a big bag of cookies and eat them all in the car..."
My mother scoffed. "You wouldn't do that in front of McG!" (8 year old daughter)
I nodded, "You're absolutely right...I would wait until I got home, lock myself in my room and eat them all then."
Because I would. I'm a junkie, I'm an addict. I put sugar in my body like someone else will put a needle in their arm and the minute I forget that, I'm dead. Later the next night, I let the stressors get to me and I had a bite of something I should not have, but it didn't cause me to binge. It scared me that I let me guard down. I hope that fear is what allowed me, on Monday morning, to walk away from "the perfect food" and stick to my meal plan. I don't think of my Higher Power as punishing and judgemental, but in this case...thanks for the fear! It's saving my life!