Perception

When does explaining a situation and the reasoning behind it become desperately justifying a position so it sounds like you don't believe a word coming out of your mouth?
Person A: "This is the situation."
Person B: "Okay, why are you in that situation?"
Person A: "Because A, B, C, D."Person
B: "Wow! That's a lot of reasons! Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?"
Person A: "No really, I'm happy with this situation..."

To me, it is in the same category as "criticism".

Person A: "I want you to change this about your behavior because it bothers me..."
Person B: "Why? Am I not good enough for you the way I am?"
Person A: "Why can't you consider my feelings and the fact that it bothers me? I'm explaining my feelings to you in a constructive manner and I should be able to talk about things that bother me in the relationship..."
Person B: "No, you should love me the way I am..."

It can go around and around and around. In my case, it has! It just seems like a problem with no solution. But getting back to the first scenario. When I started OA, my sponsor told me the words I thought would set me free. "It's none of your business what anyone else thinks of you..."It just opened my eyes and made so many things so much easier. Maybe I'm falling away from that. I'm not sure. But when does arguing your point of view segue from just that into a pathetic attempt to get what you want but what you may not need.When does it go from "Let me give you some examples of why my theory is valid" turn into the other person just sadly shaking their head saying "Give it up already!"

History is written by the winners. Isn't that a saying? So the person who wouldn't give up and didn't get the results they wanted until the 57th attempt is "persistent and confident". "A go getter who refused to take no for an answer!" "Uplifting and inspiring!!!" Dennis Quaid will play him in the movie!!
But what about the ones who try and try again and after the 56th attempt, his wife leaves him, he loses his full time job, his kids think he's a pitiful loser and all his friends are whispering about him. "Sad." "Delusional" "Sick". Maybe the 57th time, he would have been successful and that tide would have turned. Maybe it's just the very fickle luck Gods decided that day to not smile upon him. It seems very random and unfair, at best.
How do you differentiate? I ask someone out and they resist. I persist and pursue and eventually they agree. It's romantic, right? "She wouldn't take no for an answer." and someone, somewhere is going "Awww, how romantic!" But in Scenario B, I persist and pursue and I'm, at best, annoying and ridiculous and desperate. At worst, a stalker and a predator. What's the difference?

I used to be in HR and I trained hundreds of people on sexual harassment. The difference between a romantic overture and harassment? Perception.

That's all it comes down to. Perception. And maybe that's all it comes down to with all those other things. Perception. Maybe "It's none of my business what anyone else thinks" is about saying "Screw your perception...this is my life and all I can do is live it the best way I know how."
I spent so many years waiting for M. to agree that it was a good idea for us to end our marriage. I was so desperate for his perception to match mine, I stayed in way longer than I should have. When I try to explain my thoughts and feelings about E. to anyone (even to E!!!) it sounds like I'm desperate. It sounds like I'm so needy and desperate to have someone, I'm willing to harangue this poor woman into a relationship, whether she wants one or not! And I honestly try to assess and I don't feel like it is that way. I pursued her. She said no, let's just be friends. I accepted that.
Then I made a joke. A slightly leading joke that could have just ended as a joke. Nothing overt. Nothing aggressive. But she picked up that joke and chose (of her own free will) to move forward. There has been a lot of discussion and a lot of debate. Pro and con lists. Charts and graphs!!! (Okay not really). When it's laid out, it sounds like I'm so desperate to be with someone, ANYONE, that I'm willing to do whatever it takes. But it doesn't feel that way to me. And I hope it doesn't feel that way to her.
But in the end, it's none of my business, right? It sounds wrong and heartless to say, but this other person is an adult and has to decide for herself what is best for her, right? It's her responsiblity to say "Yes, let's continue with this" or "I can't continue with this." just as it's my responsbility to say that on behalf of myself right?

The one thing I've learned is that I am a mother of 1. And only 1. I am not M's mother. I am not E's mother. I am not my mother's mother (although she thinks I am). And there are a lot of different terms for it, especially floating around 12 step programs. Thinking you're God. Thinking you're in control. It's not that I think I'm in control, I've just been raised to know I'm responsible for everyone else's feelings and thoughts and actions and that has messed me up. A lot!!!

So now, as I prepare to return to my therapist and lay out the actions of the last year, maybe part of this is coming from that. Once more, I have to explain my reasoning behind the decisions I've made. Will she approve? Will she judge? Probably not, but as she plays devils advocate "So what if..." or "Doesn't that really mean..." I'll once again be feeling like I'm trying to make sure her perception is in line with mine.

Maybe it's time to adopt a new motto. Rather than "It's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me", change it to "No one is quite as interested in what I'm doing as I seem to think, and if they are, what's wrong with them? Don't they have their own lives to live? What's wrong with them?? What do they want from me?!?!?!? Can't they all just leave me alone!?!"

Would it be considered a positive thing if I shifted from needy and desperate for validation to bitter and paranoid? Hey the change might do me some good!!!