My Audience

I have been so busy, I can't even take the time to recount how busy I am. Plus I've got 3 blog entries floating in my head! But this is what I wanted to address today, and I'm putting myself 2 hours behind to do it! I have been busy, job after job, event after event, commitment after...okay you get the picture. And I've missed my blog. I've missed getting my thoughts out of my head. I've missed writing. I've missed searching for a picture to capture the general gist of my message. This is something that's important to me and it's something I enjoy and I have to make time to do it, going forward. I owe myself something fun and relaxing. But what went through my mind a couple days ago was, "What about the people who are reading my blog?" That means you, anyone who happens to look this up! Are you checking in still, looking for a new post? (I say looking, I mean desperate though). Are you wondering where I am? Are you so anxious (again desperate) for the new pearls of wisdom falling from my miraculous brain to my nimble fingertips that you are constantly hitting the link to my blog in order to see, hope upon hope, that I have managed to grace you with my view of the world for yet another day. Am I being over dramatic? Absolutely. Am I kidding? Sort of. In my mind, this is precisely what I mean and this has scared me, because it is my mother (and we all know the mother issues!)
My mother spent 40 years on the radio, she spent 40 years as a minor local "celebrity" wherever we went. People would, literally, recognize her voice in the grocery store or a restaurant and stop us to gush about how wonderful she was. It was a drug to her and the withdrawal from this is going to keep her shaking until she dies. That was her audience and she had to have them and she had to make sure she was better, smarter and funnier than anyone else. And that spilled over into other "audiences". Co-workers, drinking buddies, family members.
Growing up, the most important thing in my family, was to get "the line". It wasn't being smart or having a good heart or respecting and caring for others. It was, in any situation, who could surmise the situation, at the speed of light, and come up with a funny, snarky line that made everyone laugh, yet while they were laughing, they were also, internally (and sometimes externally) amazed at your quick wit and mental/verbal prowess. My mother, to this day, still says (proudly) "In our family, it was who could get the best line in!" I'm starting to wonder how much of a curse this was?
I have a decent sense of humor. My mind immediately goes for the "punchline" and more often than not, I will share that punch line, in order to get a laugh (a small dose of approval, wafting through the air towards my desperate ears). The sickness I've noticed is that if I share an anecdote, if I share a joke or a line that succinctly gets to the heart of something that is going on and makes people laugh, I relish it and that's fine. But then, I repeat it to 4 other people "I was just telling John over there..." in order to get more!
The upside is that many times I am aware of it. I won't wait around anymore to make sure I can get a line in before leaving a room, I won't search and search for an opening to get my 2 cents worth in (at least I hope I don't!). If the opportunity is there, then I take it, but I try not to force it. But then people say "You're so funny!" or "Man, you should do comedy!" and I smile and feel good and later pray that I wasn't being obnoxious about it. That people aren't saying "Man, how overbearing with the jokes can 1 person be!" I never want my audience to turn on me. And unfortunately, that's how the tiny back part of my brain that I try to stay away from has started thinking of the people who read this.
So by not blogging, because I'm so busy, am I not only denying myself something I enjoy and get a lot from, but am I denying my audience? OH MY GOD!!!! NO NO NO!!!! I will not go down this road! I will perform every single step of my program on this character defect. If you are reading the blog and enjoy it and wish to share with me that you do, then God bless you and thank you for the support. But this is NOT why I started this and this WILL NOT be the reason I am posting and the reason I'm kicking myself for not.
This is my recovery blog. This is about my illness, my recovery, my sick twisted view on life and if you read, thanks. If you don't, I can't care. If you call or email or ask me "Hey, you haven't posted in a while, is everything okay?" then it is because you are my friend and want to make sure I'm okay. NOT because you are going through a withdrawal of "me". I will not go down that road.
You are not my audience. You are kind people whom I love. (And who forgive me if I use who and whom wrong). Should you decide to check in and see what's on here, go for it. If not, that's not my problem or responsibility.
I hope it doesn't come off like I'm yelling at you. I'm yelling at me. I'm yelling at the little tiny doll inside my head who looks just like my Mom. I'm yelling at the universe. Not at any of you. (And I may be delusional as to how many of you that are actually reading this or are even invested!)
So to anyone who is reading this entry and find yourself thinking "Man, how self important is this freakin' chick?"
I proudly answer "A little less than before!"