Limbo!!!!!

Weird, weird times are afoot! (Why does no one use afoot anymore?)

12 step program? I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, but if I quit, I will weigh 250 pounds by my birthday, without a doubt.
Act as if (and basically the rest will follow) is one of the gems of my 12 step program. I need to act as if and if I am acting as if and doing the next right thing, eventually everything will fall into place. I need to reach out to God more. I'm just tired, I think.

I've made a decision that it's time to get a divorce. It's time to move on. It's time to have a lot of sex. This may take me a year to get my house ready to sell, etc., but it's time to start. It's time to stop letting other people control my life and my path.

I realized that I am miserable 10% of the time. And I also realized that my happy times, my content times, my "picture perfect" family times, are all determined by another person's needs and emotional state. That's not right. I am also realizing, although I've known it all along, that these things are all effecting my child and I do not want that to happen.

M. is never going to change. My sponsor agrees. Two therapists agree. There is absolutely no ability to change. I believe, truly, there are people who can change. And there are those who are powerless. He is powerless over Compulsive Assholeitis. It's sad, but there it is! Seriously, whatever it is, the threat of losing his marriage, losing full time access to his child, uprooting his life and security, have never been incentive for change. So what else is there?
And what I've come to realize is that, as I've told some close to me, I am not being physically abused. I am under no threat of danger should I choose to leave. That means the only person keeping me here, is me. This is my decision, to put up with this situation. If I am miserable, I can't blame him anymore. Because I've stood before him and said "You suck and this is wrong, but I will accept and put up with whatever you dish out..."

That 5-10% is part of what is messing me up I think. If I'm miserable 10% of the time, and happy 90%, well 90% is nothing to sneeze at! Plenty of people are happy way less of the time, right? Plus, we all know my issues with my house and my security and making sure my daughters life is better than mine.

But what if, living on my own, I can achieve a shot of 100%? Not that it's always going to be happy or easy, (I'm not that delusional!!!), but what if I can call the shots on my own life? 100% of the time? What if I can make decisions without having to worry about what anyone else thinks or feels? What if I can show my daughter that strength and security come from within?

I'm back on my eating plan, after a small slip yesterday. Thank you God. McG made it through her tonsil surgery with minimal stress and no complications. Thank you God. The weather seems to be cooling off. Thank you God.

Right now, it feels like all I can manage is a Thank you. But I hope, for now, it will be sufficient.