Saturday 10/4/08 (LOVE LOVE LOVE all the references to CBs on the radio today! C.W. McCall rules all!!!)
About a month ago, I lost my Higher Power/God. Much like Bo Peep and the sheep! I don't know where he went and I don't know where to find him. What it basically comes down to is I have started thinking about God. My God. My HP. I have been taught and always believed that God was loving and caring and helpful. Still do. But I also believed that God was capable of great miracles. Anything and everything that could be done, by no one else, could be done by God. It goes around and around in my head and detours about 40 times, but let me explain...there is no time...let me sum up...(Shout out to Inigo Montoya!!!)...lately I've been thinking about kidfs and the fact that so many horrible things happen to the innocent. Little people who have no control over their lives. I accept that bad things happen to adults, taking into account human nature, free will, the existence of evil and I pray for protection and safety but am fully ready to accept that things happen that will have no answer, no explanation. Granted. And I'm actually also willing to accept that in the great scheme of things, God, the universe, fate, what-have-you, that kids die. Part of a master plan? Maybe. I just don't understand the suffering. I don't understand, if something, somewhere predestined that kids have to die, why can't they just die, rather than being tortured and raped for a while before dying? Why do kids have to be molested and abused for years? They can't control it, they have no choices and practically no free will, so if this is evil entering their realm, where is God? Is it that this evil is greater than God or is it that God is greater but has chosen not to act? I am just finding it very hard to live with, the lack of answers to this question. And I've said I don't even really need an answer, I just need something I can tell myself that will allow me to get out of bed in the morning and not blow my brains out. My therapist and my sponsor and a very dear friend who is a minister (not to be confused with my very dear friend who is MY minister) say that I'm at a crossroads and rather than focusing on what is going on in my life I'm focusing on this huge issue of global size proportion. (Gee you think!?!?!) Maybe part of it is that I've never questioned anything before. This, according to M., is part of my problem. I have taken the "lies" that church and religion has spoon fed me and been on my merry way. All I know is that I feel myself getting depressed and I don't want to talk to God and I don't want to pray. That is unusual for me. I'm used to just turning things over. I'm used to being so committed to my faith. I'm not used to this scary place where nothing makes sense. But I have started asking questions and looking around to see what others think of this. It's amazing the different concepts of a Higher Power and/or God that people have. D. said So my god is an indwelling source of comfort and wisdom, and a spiritual connection with others. My sponsor seems to say much the same thing. They just accepted the Higher Power that worked for them. It sounds nice. It makes me nervous. Like I'm going to leave something out and go to hell! It feels dishonest somehow to conjure up my own HP. Isn't that basically what Hitler did? God wanted him to do all those horrible things? God knew the Jews were inferior and were guiding his hand. Obviously I am NOT comparing myself to Hitler, but there have been atrotious things done in the name of religion (okay wait, I'm getting off course...AGAIN!) See where this leads me?!?!?!?!?!? One questioning though leads to another and then once that thread is pulled, my entire core comes tumbling down on me like a house of cards!!!
I don't think I'm going to go out and do anything intentionally bad just because God "as I see him" will forgive me! I mean, I believe God forgives me, but I don't want to start thinking "God will forgive me so I can do whatever I want in the future", building into my concept some sort of "future forgiveness mechanism"
I've just got too much going on and too much on my mind, I guess. I need to relax and breathe. It just feels like I loss and I don't know how to cope. It's effecting my entire life, my 12 step program and I can't have my recovery and my program and my abstinence without a spiritual connection to something.
An Update: (10/6/08
It's Monday and I feel better. I read the Chapter to the Agnostic in the AA Big Book and what I took away from it was that I don't have to have any kind of set religious program or agenda in my head. All I have to start with is Do I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. And I do. I have never NOT believed in God. That has never been an issue. So I asked myself, do I believe. And I do. God, whoever he is, is greater than myself. Absolutely. And that gave me a small level of comfort.
Also I returned to church. Not that I have been actively staying away. I couldn't attend due to actual events beyond my control. But not going
somehow made it easier to keep my personal mini drama of faith going. But yesterday was my Sunday to work with my hospitality group. I jokingly call it a cult. We dress in red shirts and welcome people for 5 hours. That and returning to Sunday School to teach helped me remember my connection to my church. It didn't feel like a huge or overwhelming connection, just a small one but for now, it was enough.
And I wrote God a letter, outlining my frustrations and concerns. I'm still looking for answers I'll probably never find, but I feel a little better equipped to deal with day to day life right now. Thank you God, whoever you are.
I don't think I'm going to go out and do anything intentionally bad just because God "as I see him" will forgive me! I mean, I believe God forgives me, but I don't want to start thinking "God will forgive me so I can do whatever I want in the future", building into my concept some sort of "future forgiveness mechanism"
I've just got too much going on and too much on my mind, I guess. I need to relax and breathe. It just feels like I loss and I don't know how to cope. It's effecting my entire life, my 12 step program and I can't have my recovery and my program and my abstinence without a spiritual connection to something.
An Update: (10/6/08
It's Monday and I feel better. I read the Chapter to the Agnostic in the AA Big Book and what I took away from it was that I don't have to have any kind of set religious program or agenda in my head. All I have to start with is Do I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. And I do. I have never NOT believed in God. That has never been an issue. So I asked myself, do I believe. And I do. God, whoever he is, is greater than myself. Absolutely. And that gave me a small level of comfort.
Also I returned to church. Not that I have been actively staying away. I couldn't attend due to actual events beyond my control. But not going
somehow made it easier to keep my personal mini drama of faith going. But yesterday was my Sunday to work with my hospitality group. I jokingly call it a cult. We dress in red shirts and welcome people for 5 hours. That and returning to Sunday School to teach helped me remember my connection to my church. It didn't feel like a huge or overwhelming connection, just a small one but for now, it was enough.
And I wrote God a letter, outlining my frustrations and concerns. I'm still looking for answers I'll probably never find, but I feel a little better equipped to deal with day to day life right now. Thank you God, whoever you are.
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