Wages of a misspent youth

When I was a teenager and in my twenties and most of my thirties, I was fat. But my body was remarkably firm. It always amazed me that everything got bigger, but not necessarily flabbier. Also, even though I spent a good deal of the past 22 years at 220 pounds or more, that I never really had any health issues. Never. I was fat but basically, fairly healthy. Granted I never really got a physical, but I felt good.

Ah…(no pun intended)…the salad days!

Three years ago, I drove through a Jack In The Box at 10pm and got 3 egg rolls. I wouldn’t say I have ever eaten a lot of fried foods. This was an occasional indulgence. (Most fried food didn't have sugar, so I was never that obsessed with it!) I went home and I ate it while watching TV. ½ an hour after I was done, my heart started racing. It was going 100 miles a minute. I was having trouble breathing. It was one of the few times in my life that I’ve been scared, in the present, that I’m was going to die. I was afraid to go to sleep. I went to the doctor who did some heart tests and proclaimed me healthy. I judge him a little for looking at a 230 pound woman and saying “You’re fine” but whatever.
Two years ago, I went to a Walmart and had one of those in store health screenings done. Basically I was told that I was 1 cheeseburger away from a stroke. The shoulda-been up stuff was down, the shoulda-been down stuff was up. Bad news. I don’t know that it necessarily propelled me into action, although I can say that 2 years later I had the same test done at a health fair at work and everything was normal. I passed with flying colors. At that point, I had lost almost 50 pounds. A connection, maybe? Nah!!!

Also, for my entire life, I could eat as much as I wanted of whatever and never have any physical symptoms (beyond the weight gain). In the past 6 months, I’ve noticed that when I binge, I’m getting sick as a dog. I am having major problems when I eat something not on my food plan or when I eat something on my food plan but in excess. (Cashews are permanently banned from my diet FOREVER!)

I mean, what is going on!?!?!?!?!!

Well let’s just call it “I’m not 22 anymore-itis”

But something else I’ve noticed, is my body is getting flabbier. Never had a beautiful body, but as it’s getting smaller I am starting to see signs of the fact that I’m probably not going to be very firm again, ever! And since joining a gym a few years back, something has become increasingly clear. These things we’re walking around in, are not meant to last. Our bodies are like just about any other living or inanimate object on the planet, with the exception of Styrofoam! As it gets older, it deteriorates. Now I know this is nothing revolutionary, is anyone truly shocked? Of course not! But it has never been so clear to me as it is now. I see these women working out in the gym. They are in their 50’s or 60’s, they are fit and trim and I envy them and pray that when I’m 50 I’ll look like that. And then I’m walking into the locker room and they are changing in the same row as me or they are standing in the shower and I see them naked. And they are sagging and things are hanging and I start to feel…I’m not even sure what. These women, by doctor’s standards or whatever, ARE healthy, I’m sure. And they have obviously mastered the fine art of dressing to positively accentuate their bodies and I envy that also!

I’m just realizing that even if I do lose another 30 pounds (which is my long term goal), let’s face it, I’m not going to have the body of a 22 year old, regular sized woman. I guess I could, were I willing to spend massive amount on plastic surgery. But even magazines now show close ups of celebrities cellulite and some of these people, you see them in their eveningwear and they are amazingly beautiful. But they have bodies like we have bodies and those bodies are wearing out and breaking down as a result of nothing more than age. Again, not exactly new information. Just not something I had ever thought about. And maybe a small part of me did think that if I weigh 160, no matter what age, I would be firm and taunt in all the right places. I’m not particularly devastated. Just a very tiny bit sad. However I’m also not so delusional that I don’t realize that had I not spent most of my life at or around 220 pounds, my body might look better now and in the future! No one can take the credit for that but me!

On a happier note, I rode 5 miles on my bike today and I feel great! My favorite people in the entire world came over for dinner last night and we were talking about Europeans and Asians and New Yorkers, all who walk an average of 4 miles per day and as a whole, are much more fit that the average American and it inspired me! Of course, as gas creeps up, I’m finding all sorts of inspiration to ride my bike. Each time I peddle, I can pretend, for a moment, that 160 really will bring me the answers to all my dreams! (No one call for an intervention on my delusional state! I'm mostly kidding!)