What I know and What I believe

Know: to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty

Believe: to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so

I was making frozen yogurt and realized that instead of plain, fat free yogurt I had purchased plain yogurt with fat. It wasn't that much fat and I had already opened the package, so I went ahead and used it. I can't say I know for a fact that my frozen yogurt was creamier and tastier. But I believe it was. And do I believe it was because of the taste or because I know that I was using a higher fat content of yogurt?
What do I know? What do I believe? I believe there's a God. And the fact that I can't say I know there's a God would lead 1/2 the people I know to applaud me and the other 1/2 to vilify me! It seems to me that the stereotypical quandary would be "I believe xyz but I don't know xyz for a fact". I mean, hasn't that debate been going on for millions of years? Science vs. theology? Fact vs. feeling? With the exception of God, I find it hard to pinpoint things I believe in very strongly but don't know. In fact, I seem to be going in a different direction. The things I know aren't true but I want desperately to believe in, as well as the things I know with absolute certainty are true, but I keep choosing to believe they are not.
I've spent a good many years wanting to believe that I could make my marriage work, but knowing I couldn't. But the desire for that, the belief drove me, relentlessly.
I want to believe that my daughter can come out of her childhood unscathed by the choices I've made and I pretty much know that is impossible.
I know that a 12 step program can save someone's life. I've seen it. I have data! (Okay, I don't have data, but someone does, somewhere!) I've experienced it in my own life. Right now, I'm not sure I believe it though. To have confidence in the truth...without absolute proof... that's faith right? You lift the definition of faith right out of the definition of believe.
That can't be an accident. And I know the reason I feel like I don't believe it is mainly because I'm in a bit of a funk.
I know that if I ignore my bills and don't pay attention to my bank account, terrible things happen. This is not a hypothetical...this is what I do, because I believe if I just close my eyes and focus on other things, that it will all work out best in the end. And as a result, I get late charges and screwed up credit and overdraft charges!
I know if I eat sugar, I will begin to binge. I know if I weigh myself more than once per month, I will become tied to the scale. These are facts in my life. There is no way around them. I choose not to believe them, sometimes I'm desperate not to believe them. I really don't want these things to be true. I really want things to be different that aren't and never will be. But mainly, I want me to be different and the only way I'm going to know I'm different is by acknowledging the ways that I'm never going to be different...from myself. (Hang on...I'll let you get a calculator to figure that one out!)
It doesn't seem to matter how long I go on with new behavior, healthy behavior, behavior that in every way enhances my life...it's like 1 old action, 1 old thought feels like I'm back at square 1. It's so frustrating! So hey here's a thought! Avoid the old actions! Avoid the old thoughts! Sure! Because life is just that manageable. Especially for an addict. And as much as I might like to believe I'm not, I know I am.
What I've noticed is that most of the time when people say "I have to believe abc..." then that is followed up by, expressed or implied, "...or I'll lose my mind..."
"I have to believe there's something better on the horizon..." "I have to believe that it can be different!"
So what do I have to believe or I'll lose my mind? I guess just that I'm doing the best I can with my eyes open. My mother always said she was doing the best she could and I never believed it. Still don't. And there are days when I don't believe it about myself. But I am human. Imperfect. (Feel free to gasp now!) I am still learning and probably will be until I die.
This weekend, I am going to an OA convention. I am holding out a lot of expectations. Okay, just 1. To get back on track with my program. I am abstinent and have been for awhile now. (No numbers!) But I want something to kick me out of my funk. That's it. D., in his infinite wisdom, said that the convention will satisfy me in some aspects, go beyond expectation in some areas and fail me in others. In other words, what B. is always saying. The Convention I want, the Convention I get and the convention I should have had. But these are my people. I know that. I believe that. This is my family. My favorite family. That in itself makes me feel better. These are the people who know me so much more intimately than anyone else. If I just go in with that expectation, a few days of happiness, of peace, of love surrounding me, I have to believe I'll end up feeling better...or I'll lose my mind! (HA!)

Side note: The picture on this post is what comes up when you google something like "Belief vs. knowledge" image. I don't know what it is or what it means, but I know it's weird looking!