Poor me is not how I live my life. It’s my mother’s mantra. I feel like it’s very much M’s way of thinking in many situations as well. (In case you haven’t figured out, low these many entries, I married my mother…I’m also concerned I may have given birth to her!!!). But I have made a conscious effort, from my perspective, to not let myself get bogged down in self-pity. Perhaps whoever is reading this is saying “Yeah right!!! Have you read your blog…” but I really hope it doesn’t come across as a series of “poor me” notes. If it does, then I need to reexamine my point of view, I guess.
Things right now aren’t great. They aren’t terrible. They just…are. Everyday, on my day planner, I have 2-4 things listed and that includes my 2nd job. So what can I cut out? It seems like everything is important on some level. It seems like everything extra is small and the smalls are all starting to add up. All my outside activities constitute from 1 hour per week to 1-2 hours per month. If I’m doing something for church and it literally takes 2 hours per month, is that really something I can say “No I don’t have time for?”
I guess one of the real issues, if I’m going to be honest about myself (and that’s the thing I like the least!) is that I am disorganized! With my time, with my papers, with my money, with my work, with my projects. And sometimes, it’s like it’s intentional because I get a rush from having things in mass chaos, but pulling out a victory at the last minute. B. tells me she’s sort of the same way, and pays a price. And I am too, I’m starting to see. As she also told me, I am “no spring chicken” anymore. Uh…hello? Harsh!!!! But true. I read an article about a guy who has apparently vowed to whittle down all his stuff to 100 items. He wants to own 100 items and no more. Now I haven’t done any research on the logistics of this…(is his house 1 item? Is furniture he shares with his family count as his?) I think I read he figured out he only needs 2 pairs of jeans so he gave away 1 pair. But again, this is a concept that fascinates me. Could I do that? I don’t know. I would probably use all this pent up creativity that I DON’T get to use on my food anymore, and put it towards that! It would probably end up being “Well, this is 1 category, so it doesn’t count…M & McG use this more than I, so this doesn’t count as my 1) but this is just an idea. But I digress… Seriously, how much better would my life be if I knew where everything was. If the papers were arranged and my car was clean and my room was clean? How much stress would go away?
The other point is, that I’m feeling run down, I’m feeling tired, I’m feeling a little beat up, I’m feeling a little resentful towards my 12 step group. It has exploded from weeks where we were lucky to get 3 attendees to now averaging 12-18 people every week. And it’s wonderful. Those of us who have been in this meeting for a while are thrilled that people are attending. Recently, I’ve really been wishing that we were back to 3, back to a more intimate setting. I feel like I can’t share as openly. I feel internal pressure to stay positive and impress these new people. Maybe one will ask me to be their sponsor, so my “share time” is really an audition of sorts! God I’m pathetic! And I’m feeling a little sorry for myself that all these people are impeding my ability to be honest. (Of course they aren’t!) I’m feeling sorry for myself that I have a disease and that it follows me everywhere I go and that I have to work steps and take action and read and pray to keep it from killing me. I hate that I can’t be normal. I’m feeling sorry for myself. And I hate it.
So add all these feelings in with 2 jobs, 1 child who has me on the run (including needing her tonsils out, swimming lessons, orthodontist appointments, play dates, Sunday School…I’m thinking of buying her a day planner of her own!!!), church, my recovery program, and my house to run. And I’m stressed. And I’m going insane. And maybe I’m making it worse by resisting this natural tendency to just wallow for a bit. I am the ultimate multitasker! That’s something I used to be proud of! I steer my car with my knee while putting on make up (kids, don’t try this at home!) and searching for reports in the back of my paper eating car that has so much crap in it, McG’s car seat barely fits! I’m cooking food for 5 days in advance while I’m filling out a calendar of where I’ll be for the next 10! I’m doing frantic grocery shopping on my lunch hour while talking on my cell phone and writing in my day planner. And it feels like it’s killing me.
I’ve always said no matter what happens to me, someone else has it worse. I took McG to a place downtown the other night where we served food to the homeless. A very dear friend is having some tests for what could be some serious medical issues. For God’s Sake, they are getting ready to foreclose on Ed McMahon’s house!!! There are millions and millions of people worse off than me.
So I suck it up and I try to fix it and I get busy and overwhelmed and I fall apart. Maybe a minute or two of “Poor me” would help, once in awhile!
Plus when I get like this, I don’t turn to God. I’m not really upset with God or questioning much anymore. I just don’t feel like I have the time. In my mind, God is for praying to in times of tragedy and thanking in times of great success. Not for just saying “Hey, I need some help navigating these very pedestrian issues in my everyday life.” And maybe that’s what is also getting me in trouble!
So I’ve worked out some time in the morning, driving from 1 job to another, where I can talk to God. I’ve got to work out some time to read my OA literature. I’ve got an OA convention coming up. Even the things I enjoy, that are designed to help me in a million ways, suddenly feel like a time suck!
All together now…Poor me!!!
There are an average of 730 hours in a month. That’s a lot of time. And it feels like no time. Maybe a week of writing down exactly where all this time goes would help me be more organized. Of course, I’d probably lose my data in the back of my paper-eating car or use it to blow my nose before I realize!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment