The Numbers of Insanity

A Day that's different, just remember that. Just keep remembering that. I want to weigh myself. Really, really badly! I exercised yesterday for the first time in months and while I know I ate too much food, I did not eat wheat or sugar or drink soda (which I really wanted too!). My brain wants to know if that 1 day of changes made a difference in the number. That number is so important to me. Why? The number is what I present to people...on a bright, shiny platter. "Wow! You look good!" they'll say. "Thank you." I demure. "So...???" it's an excited, inquiring so and I smile, charmingly embarrassed and say, in a slightly softer voice, because I don't want to draw attention to myself, "I've lost 50 pounds". "That's amazing! You look great!" and I eat it up. I take it and I get high for a day or two. Then no one says anything, and I start to come down. Even when I'm giving my OA speeches, I say "I'm maintaining a 50 pound weight loss!" and people applaud.
1) My last binge was 2/29/08. I do not know how many days that it. I'm not constantly counting how many days that is, over and over again. So that is new behavior and it feels like its going to help.
2) I tell people in my speeches, that at any point, from April 1996 to March 2006, I can tell you how much I weighed at any 1 time. I rattle it off, without looking at notes. The day I got married, the day I found out I was pregnant, the day Megan was born, every birthday she had. I know when I joined OA what I weighed and I know what I weighed 3 days ago. But in those 2 years, I do not know what I weighed at any 1 point. That is new behavior and I am proud of that.
I will weigh myself 1 way and 1 way only, barring a doctor's appointment. I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I weigh myself, naked, in my kitchen, with no one awake. That is it. If I don't do this, I will not weigh myself until the next morning. Because the minute I drink a glass of juice, the data becomes skewed. If I weigh completely naked, but wearing a pair of panties, then it's no longer my true weight. While this may be sick, I find it healthier than weighing myself 15 times a day, like Mom. "I took a nap, why am I the same weight as I was when I went to sleep!" Also, I'm in the middle of my period. I did drink a soda on my first day. It really did help my cramps and my nerves. But I want to commit to a soda free diet. (Diet as in eating plan NOT as in reduced whatever...)
I vaguely remember, in the middle part of the first leg of my program, that losing weight became so unimportant. It was so wonderful. I'm just having a small struggle getting back there. Maybe because I've been plateauing.
Here is the reality: I haven't lost 50 pounds. I lost 50 pounds for about a day and a half! It's lower than that. Not much...but a little. Am I being dishonest, because it's a pretty, round number that make people's eyes pop, because let's face it, the payoff with a lower number is so much less than with the magical 50?!?!?
I don't need the scale. Do I feel better? Do my clothes fit better? These are things I can use. The lie: I need to know my weight in order to buy clothes. Uh, no! Pick out something and if it's too small, get a bigger size and if its too large, get a smaller size. I need to know is a big fat lie! But then, how can I know when to tell people I've lost more!!!??!!! Another lie! People may act impressed and say WOW! but no one (except my mother) is sitting around, on pins and needles, waiting for me to announce I've lost another quarter pound! That is me, creating these ideas about myself that are false and self important. I truly want, in a small way, people to base a part of their lives on me, what am I doing, saying, thinking and yes, how much weight have I lost. Man am I sick! I think, for today, I'm going bypass the scale. I can't think about "I won't weigh for 2 weeks!" "I'll weigh on the 1st and 15th ONLY!" That falls into the Time Frames of Insanity and that is another post! I can only worry about today. More new behavior. My different day is starting out okay!
Thank you God, for my day that is different. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Relieve me of the bondage of self. There are a billion or so other people in the world. Help me remember that. Help me remember that I am not so important that I can face issues or challenges without you. Relieve me of the bondage of self.
Love and Amen,
Shannon