I don't know if anyone even tells the story of George Washington & the cherry tree anymore, because the "I cannot tell a lie..." story turned out to be...well a lie! I did a mini 4th with my sponsor and another dear friend of her "posse" the other night and my fear is that people will be mad at me or disappointed, so I told them I lie. I lie a lot. I hide work so my boss won't get mad, I hide bills so M won't get mad, I hide truth about my food so my sponsor won't get mad. General lies to save myself any inconvenience. And lies so that I don't have to change specific things about my personality. I lie a lot about a lot. We didn't get to finish it all the way through. I'll look it up on line, because I'm tired of being at the mercy of my disease, but I'm also so tired of being a liar. I've given speeches (not lately) knowing I didn't have the required amount of abstinence, I've talked to people about my food plan and recovery, knowing full well that I was in the throws of relapse. Am I lying simply so people won't get mad at me or is there also a small part of it that's seeing if I can get away with it? If that is part of it, I truly believe it is a small part. I think everything else is the main part. Right now, what am I lying about?
1) Mark - Came clean about most of the money issues, so there are no lies, at this moment, looming over that I can pinpoint.
2) My mother - UHaul, told her I called when I didn't and that I am waiting on a response because I haven't had time to follow up. She could do this herself, but I am most familiar with the situation. And it's not that difficult, I just haven't had time.
3) Sponsor - I can't think of any deliberate falsehoods I've told my sponsor lately. It's more like promises I don't keep, although she certainly never fashions them as promises, more "Let's try this..." and then it doesn't work out. Also, I have to think of omissions of truth as definite lies or I will fall way down into a pit of deception.
4) Work - Besides the small lies about tiny projects/certificates, I was given an assignment, last year, to take a class and a test in conjunction with my job. Work paid for this huge text book and work book, I was to read and then schedule a test with the testing company. I have told both my bosses that I am working on it. I haven't removed it from the wrapper. I scheduled to take the test in March when I got the book, but since I hadn't read the book I had to cancel and found out that it costs 100 to reschedule the test in April May or June. I have not told them that.
5) My ex-therapist. I thought I owed her $60 and haven’t had it to pay, and I’ve been avoiding her. Just got my “final notice” stating that it’s about to go to collections and it turns out I only owe $25. Plan has been to tell her that I “thought” M mailed it and I’m so embarrassed and can she ever forgive me.
I need and want to stop lying. Isn't that one of the 10 commandments? Let me check!
"You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor..." close enough for me! I need to work on not lying. As I stated in my mini-fourth, these people may be mad or upset when I admit my lie, they may be upset if I choose not to lie but to tell them the truth, but they aren't going to kill me, they aren't going to hit me, and if they are disappointed and its my fault, then I deserve disappointment. If I have prayed and done a searching and fearless moral inventory, and I know that what I am saying/doing is the right thing or the truthful thing, I need to not worry so much about what others think. Not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to be happy with me all the time, even those who do like me. I need to break these people pleasing shackles and be honest. As much as I can. "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen?" of course not! "You look so freakin' awful, friend in the hospital!"? Well obviously not! But its time to make a change. Maybe different for yesterday (2 snack cakes and a hand full of M&Ms at 10 at night - truthfully!) didn't work out, but today can. Today will. I am going to call my sponsor and tell her what I ate. I am going to tell her what I ate last night. That will be very new behavior. If she is disappointed, then I will be sad but I will not die. If she tells me to get another sponsor (pretty sure she won't! Hope she doesn't!) then I will be sad, but I will not die and I will find another sponsor. I don't want to be the same person on this leg of my journey. It's just that simple.
Dear God,
Help me! I don't want to be on the fence. I know there will be bad days and bad moments that that I need to claim progress and not perfection. But I do make choices. I chose not to turn to you last night and now I feel bad about that. I knew the tools, I knew the path and I chose a different one. I am now willing to be honest and tell my sponsor that. I know you already know! I hope that neither of you is too disappointed, but if so, I know that I will be forgiven and that I need to move on and work on turning things over to you so these things will turn around. I want a day that's different. Let that be today.
Love and Amen,
Shannon
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