Happy Anniversary

Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.
-- Marsha Norman

Family: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together

I had lunch today with R. (will I remember in 2 years all these initials?). She asked, as the few people who know my situation do on occasion, with a hushed, concerned curiosity, "Well, is he still in the house?" and I've taken to shrugging and saying simply, "He is." because where else would he be? She just nodded. I don't think she judges. I don't really care if she does. I explained to her that we were getting along really well. We communicate better than we ever have, his moods have smoothed out, somewhat and when they don't, I don't care. We have dinner together several times a week at our table with our child, we discuss issues and work and things that interest us, we share common goals. R. just shook her head, a little amazed I think. Maybe a little impressed.
"If I didn't know your situation, I'd say you have the perfect marriage!"
I thought about this for a moment, and as her words sort of flowed upon me, I felt this sense of peace and happiness and love deep within me, welling up. I wouldn't say I'm an overly emotional person, but I felt something true and deep stirring around. I smiled at her and shrugged again. "It's a really wonderful family."
R. smiled at me, "Well, that's a different word," she said, and I think my friend was happy for me. I'm happy for me.
Getting other people to understand, the few who know, is difficult, so I've quit trying. I've quit trying to explain that what I have now is what I've wanted since I was 7. A home, stability, and most of all a family. I never defined a family as having to necessarily get married and have children. I just wanted to live with a group of people who loved me and cared for me and whom I could love and care for. Much like the definition above. Common attitudes, interests, goals. People I could stand with when the wind turned cold. It took me a lot of fighting and a lot of tears and a lot of anger and I certainly can't take credit for it. God has given me my family. I love them both so deeply and so fully, it surprises me sometimes. That this family is mine to exist in and care for. They are the reason I do what I do. Everything is reflected in them.

10 years ago today, I made a vow to M. To love, honor and cherish. And I still do all those things. But I feel like my real vow is the vow to be his family forever. That is a vow I can keep, I feel, forever. I want to help him and grow with him and protect him and look to the future, as far as it may lead. And I don't want to be his wife. People have a hard time understanding that. The funniest part is, we haven't discussed it. A year ago, I told him I wanted to move forward separately. That of course, meant 1 thing to him. A separation, a divorce, a dividing of property and time with McG. I can't even say for sure that I ever meant it that way. Since then, we haven't discussed it. We're in this house, our house, raising this child, our child, worrying about money, broken down cars, broken down toilets, will his job still be there in 6 months, will my mother be asking to move in, his mother's dementia, our daughters math grade. Life hits us no easier or harder than anyone else trying to raise a family in the first decade of the 21st century.

I always knew that by not being M's wife, I could forgive him of all the harms I felt had been inflicted on me. That I would be able to allow my Higher Power to lift away the wreckage of my past. He was always trying to, but I wasn't willing to let it go forward, until I broke free of something. Was it the title wife? Was it the concept that our relationship was supposed to be something that it wasn't? I can't say. All I know is that right now, is the happiest I've ever been. Ever. And why would I want to mess that up?
I know people thing it's strange. Maybe it is. People think that I'm secretly hoping to be a couple again. I won't lie and say I haven't thought about it, but I don't want to jinx anything and I feel like I've moved beyond being a couple into something so much more profound. So much more nourishing to my spirit. And the beauty of recovery, the beauty of spirituality, the amazing miracle of God, is that if it all goes away tomorrow, if he shows up and wants to move out and wants a divorce, then okay. I might be a little sad, but I'll be okay. Because he's still my family. If he gets married 10 years down the road, then okay, she'll be my family too! Maybe we could buy a duplex or something! The definition of family in the dictionary is so far removed from what most people think in their minds. And so many families I know just seem miserable. And those miserable families want to judge my family, because what? I'm not having sex with M? Because we have separate rooms? Because we don't kiss each other? I met a wonderful man 12 years ago, April 21. He has brought me so much joy and so much happiness. So much laughter and stimulation. And that's something I can never thank him enough for. He's also brought me the most pain and anguish and devastation of anyone I've ever known. And I've faced that and I've forgiven and I hope I've been forgiven. Maybe that's all any of us can ask for.
I feel like I need to tell M that I am currently in the early stages of what I hope will become a relationship with someone I've recently met. But I'm afraid. I don't want to mess up this wonderful balance. And I don't even know if it's going anywhere, because to take me as a partner in any sense, is to take my family too, right now. My infuriating mother, my slightly racist father, an old dog, an evil cat, a beautiful daughter and a husband. Finding that person may prove challenging. It may prove impossible for the time being. I'm not hiding from life behind my family. Maybe that's what it sounds like and maybe that's why people disapprove. But I feel like that isn't the case at all. I'm standing with my family and asking life to be kind and let us enjoy this remarkable present, right now, right here. The 10th anniversary symbol is Tin and Aluminum. It's supposed to be a symbol of how a successful marriage must be flexible and durable and how it can bend without breaking. What better magnificent and ironic symbol could represent my entire life, today?
Happy 10th Anniversary, to my family.