I have dreaded Step 9. Just not knowing how the other person is going to react. Not really knowing. People surprise you. Every minute of every day. But the amends isn't really about them, as B. always tells me. And a good friend in program tells me that he's had amends that have gotten every bit as uncomfortable and awkward and bad as he predicted they would, but he still felt a surge or relief afterwards. I get that now. It's taken me months to start and do my amends. B. done, Brother, done, MG, done, and as of last night, Mom is done. For now! :)
I needed to ask her forgiveness and the area I came up with was money. Borrowing money and not paying it back, using her credit card, which she gave me in case she wanted me to buy her anything here in St. Louis, without asking her first, although she never seemed to mind. Always promising to pay her back and then never being able to or "forgetting". So we were driving back from the grocery store at 11:30 at night and she was telling me a story and we were getting close to my house. For some reason, I just really wanted to do this in my car, so I pretended to miss my road and we kind of laughed and then I really missed turning around in the elementary school parking lot, so we had to go all the way around the block, but I did it. I don't know if these things should be more solemn than I make them, but I tell people "I'm to the part of my recovery/12 steps, where I make amends to people and guess who's next on my list!" Sort of an "Aren't you lucky!?" attitude. Just starting off with a light hearted sort of thing, to make myself feel more comfortable. Anyway, I told her and I made my amends and I promised to start sending her at least $20 every pay day to pay her back and I apologized. She said that I knew (and I kind of did) that she never expected me to pay it back. This wasn't phrased as mean or accusing, but as a pretty kind statement. I told her that she should expect me to pay it back because it wasn't a gift, I was talking about things I specifically labeled as a loan at the time. Then as we pulled into my driveway, 1/2 way into my garage, she began talking about how she was so worried G. & I would have no inheritance. I explained that it wasn't important. But apparently it is to her. Then we started talking about my grandmother and my Dad. Then she started crying (well we KNEW that was coming). She asked my forgiveness, for everything she had done and everything I thought she had done. And she didn't ask what these were or speculate. Just asked me to forgive her. I found myself talking to her about my program and about my 4th step and how all these resentments had been wiped away, like a dry erase board. I talked to her about all the internal changes I had experienced since joining OA. We weren't lecturing each other or nagging each other. I even told her about my "circle" with her & McG and told her stories of my own failings as a mother. I told her I wasn't 100% sure why, but that when she told me things that bothered me, I was recognizing that anyone else, telling me the same thing, never bothered me. She asked if I was disappointed in her that she wasn't looking for a job harder. I told her I was frustrated and worried that she was wasting her life. We discussed the concept of unconditional love, and my theories, which (and this was not my intent) she agreed with and seemed to adopt as her own. 45 minutes after pulling into the driveway, we were still sitting in my garage. I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would get drunk and call her mother at 2am. The poor woman had such awful nerves and I think anyone who gets a call at 2am assumes the worst, but it would just be Mom, crying and babbling. But apparently, right before my great grandmother died, Mom called and just read Mamaw (my grandmother) the riot act about something and a short time later, when my great grand mother died, and we were home for the funeral, Mom was sleeping in a bed with Mamaw and Mamaw told Mom how when Mom had called, drunk at 2 am the last time, she had made Mamaw feel like a dog, just so low. Mom says Mamaw said "I don't know why you're so angry with me, but whatever I have done, I am sincerely sorry." and Mom says that lifted away a lot of her own resentments.
I really didn't expect my amends to lead to all these things. I feel better about my amends but all the stuff that came afterwards is certainly more than I thought would occur. I realized that I can forgive my mother and that she truly wants me to. She feels remorse and pain for everything and I have to accept that, unconditionally.
I sometimes wonder if part of the appeal of this blog is coming up with pictures and clever titles to tie into my post. It probably is and that's okay, because I find out some cool things in the process.
My mother loves the hyacinth. Always has. When she seems them, it's like she gasps a little. "Oh! Hyacinth!" I don't know that its her favorite flower. It may just be tied her a bush her grandfather had, but she loves them. I Googled "flower of forgiveness" to see what it was, so I could put a picture on this post. And guess what? it's the hyacinth. So even though she will probably never read this blog, this picture, this forgiveness, this feeling of peace and happiness, is for Mom.
Dear God,
Thank you.
Amen,
Shannon
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