Adjustments

So things are slowly starting to look up. I survived the week from hell and if today is counted as the first day of the week (and let's just do that!), then things are okay. Gave a speech and got some good feedback. I used to worry about not having enough to say. Not I'm speaking quicker to get it all in. I'll take that as a good sign. My ultimate dream would be for a program retreat or a convention, maybe even one not in the area, would ask me to be their speaker for an entire weekend. It looks like fun and it looks exciting, but I've adjusted some of my viewpoints. I'm not desperate for this to happen. It may never happen or it may be years away. But I think it would be awesome.
So recently I heard from H. H. is a man I briefly was involved with a few years back. Nice guy, funny, good conversation. He is a very flirtatious man, probably 20 years older than me or so. Very charming. And while we never dated or really got involved in a relationship, we did embark on a brief sexual relationship. H. is apparently interested in starting this up again. My issues:
A) The sex was bad. It was only twice and both times we were on a definite time crunch, to be fair, but I have zero good memories about the physical part of the relationship. I was thrilled to have someone take an interest in me, since M. had no interest, but the interest and the flirting were exciting. The physical contact was not.
B) Do I want a strictly physical relationship? I don't know. It really depends on what day I ask myself! On some levels, it is very appealing. But could I even find someone willing to do that? Apparently I could! H. is ready, willing and able. My situation doesn't matter to him and may not matter to others I could find.
Honestly, I'm thinking that if I decide I do want a relationship, my situation is going to be a bigger issue than I thought. I am the ultimate champion at self deception and self manipulation and I had my mind in this fairy land where everyone understands everything and there are no issues and no awkwardness. It doesn't exist.
I blame Grey's Anatomy. I convince myself that sex with someone, scratch that, GOOD sex with someone, would be acceptable. Scratch an itch as it were. I certainly don't think it's a bad idea. But then I watch stupid Grey's Anatomy where an 18 year old brain tumor victim is telling his 18 year old girlfriend (who also has a brain tumor) that they both need to get experimental surgery. And why? To quote him,"I'm not finished loving you." and I just get all mushy. Of course, this happens every day right? Grey's Anatomy is nothing, if not realistic to a fault!!!!
I don't like mushy. I'm not used to mushy. I want to be the kind of person who can go out, get some sex and come home and go to bed and not look back. I used to be that person. (A slut? I don't think so, but everyone is entitled to their opinion). Now, what do I want? Man, I wish I had the answer to that question. I guess I can't answer. I guess I have to look around, see what the individual situation is and adjust accordingly. Adjust my feelings, adjust my expectations, define success for me. I head that at a meeting a few months ago. Defining success. Because it's different for everyone. What is success for me? Maybe I can get the answer to that when Lost comes on next Thursday!!!