The Games People Play

In every relationship, there are games that are played. I don't care how much anyone goes on and on about not playing games, if you are in a relationship...and I mean ANY relationship, you play games of some sort. Many times, it's just a psychological game designed to make someone feel better. But if it keeps things at an even keel, what's the harm, right?
The game I've begun, and I don't know how it will play out (haha, play out!) is with E. Because I see it this way...I asked E to go get something to eat with me, just a friendly thing, and then I was the one who basically invited myself over to watch a movie a few weeks later. Then I made the call, I used the word "date" and got that ball rolling. Now I don't mind taking the initiative, I really don't. I have absolutely no problem with it. And in a perfect world, it would work to my advantage and I would be the better for it, right? But, as I've been realizing more and more lately, I don't live in a perfect world. And so the question becomes...Do I want to be an equal participant in my own relationship or do I want to be a cruise director?
Because I will be a cruise director, TRUST ME! I will call and text and email and harangue about times and places. I will get out calendars and flow charts and graphs and figure out locations and logistics until the cows come home. I will make it so that E never has to do anything but show up for the next 6 months. That is my personality, but in this case, it's also the added pressure (self imposed, of course) of wanting my first relationship (and is it too early to call it that?) to go well. If I just keep planning and just keep looking forward, then it will, it has to. Nope, doesn't work that way. Between Burmese Cyclones and Chinese Earthquakes (and getting our own baby earthquakes here in Missouri), things feel unsettled and risky.
Even though I have had a great time on ALL our dates (real and imagined) and even though I think we have clicked, I have to face the fact that I don't really know E. all that well. I don't. Maybe this is a person who just says "Yes" to whatever is there (situation wise, not person wise) and I'm taking this as a sign of actual desire to do whatever I've proposed. My main fear is coming off as pushy. If this is a person who wants to go on a date and then just sit with it for a week and see where the feelings lead to, then isn't it going to make things crazy if I'm jumping around like a puppy saying "When are we doing this again? Huh? Huh? When? Is next week good for you? Huh? Huh?" Needy sucks and I know that. And even needy wrapped in a calm, cool, painfully practiced exterior can be pathetic. I don't want to play stupid games, but honestly, I can't bring up this whole theory after 1 date. Talk about pushy! "I know it's only been 1 date, but I need to talk to you about my boundary issues, my abandonment issues, the fact that I haven't dated in 12 years and the fact that when you don't email me for 16 hours, I hyperventilate just a little..." I can just see it now. E's face lights up and it's all "Oh yeah, baby! Are you ever what I've been looking for!"
So short of letting this whole thing implode, I've decided to sit with it. I've decided to let E. make a move. Propose a date or just get in touch with me. Is it fair to play with game without E's knowledge? I think this is going to give me an honest assessment of the interest and the attraction on the other side of this relationship. I think it's going to teach me patience and to trust in my instincts. I have a 4-5 hour window of free time next Sat night, just sitting there, begging to be filled with a date and it's killing me to NOT make that phone call or email to get it booked (my God, I AM a cruise director!) but that's what I have to do.
Looking back, although there is absolutely no way I EVER would have admitted it until just this moment, I think NOT getting a kiss good night on the first date (and if you're reading this and want to know how THAT didn't happen, call me!) was the best thing that ever happened to me. Maybe the moment on our date when I didn't get a kiss and didn't get to kiss wasn't borne out of a thoughtful "Take it slow" attitude, but that's the attitude it's leading to and that's definitely a game I need to win!