Questions, questions!!!

There are questions, right now, I need to ask about my life. I need to ask things of myself and I need to ask others. I need to figure out what direction my life is taking. There are those who say, live for the day, right? There is only the present and right now, my present, is pretty wonderful. In all senses. But there are clouds out there, on the horizon. It involves me telling the people in my life, honestly, about my situations, hopes and wishes and getting feedback. Not feedback as in "Well, here's what I think you should do..." but feedback like "Hey, you've been lying to me AND you just turned all my perceptions and ideas on their ass you selfish bitch!"

There are things about my life that effect the lives of the people in it. If I decide to draw $4000 out of my checking account and go spend it all at a casino, that is going to effect someone's life besides mine. Several people. If I am going to start dating, that is going to effect 2-3 people, at least and if none of these people know what the situation is, if none of them are aware of all the issues and elements, A) does that mean I am being dishonest and B) does that NOT mean that when these people find out, things are going to be 100 times worse??
I need to find out what M's plan are for the future. And it sounds terrible, but then I can gauge my plans accordingly. This is what is tearing me the most. I can gauge my plans according to what M wants or feels? I'm sorry, have it suddenly become 1959??? But then I think, well, everything I have and own is 1/2 his, including a living human and 4 pets! And it's not "Okay, I'm going along with whatever M says" it's the fact that I need to decide if what he is saying is acceptable to me and if not, then I need to decide if I am going to dig in for a fight, walk away or find a compromise. Or maybe it'll be something great that I can live with entirely. Because life is just that fair, right?

I've been thinking about my child a lot lately. About the fact that her life is ruined, no matter what decisions I make, no matter what choices. And by ruined, I mean, in her mind, I'll have screwed it up. If I tell her things about my life, and this applies to a lot of different things, it's going to cause disruption, it's going to cause confusion and possibly pain. If I tell her nothing, then when she finds out the truth, it'll be as if I betrayed her. I can't win. I can't even pretend to try. I can do the best that I can and what? hope and prays it all turns out for the best? Maybe. More on that later! That's a big old blog in itself!!!

I'm beginning to think that B's logic about the public speaking applies to every single thing in life, including life itself. There's the life you want, the life you get and the life you wish you had. And it just irks me so much, that right now the life I've got is the life I want and the life I wish I had. And it feels wonderful. And it feels like I'm building it on the lies I tell others. I don't know what E knows about M. I don't know how much has been gathered from speeches I've given or what has been heard from others. I don't even know how serious it is yet with E, so I can excuse myself from giving up all this info, but I do find myself side stepping certain stories or subjects in order to avoid even bringing up M in front of E. That feels like lying.

M who knows nothing about anything when I walk out the door. I'm going here, I'm going there and often, there is an element of dishonesty when I do. I'm going to a 12 step thing, when I'm not, I'm going to a meeting, I'm going out with J, who is a married friend. They are smoke screens. And I can't pretend it's honest, even though every fiber of my being really wants to. I want to keep feeling the way I feel, and I can't. That sucks!!!

So, onto another question: what is better? Thinking something went well or thinking something went badly and then realizing, maybe it didn't go as badly as you thought. I think the latter, because the joy of realizing everything worked out okay, but coming from a place of suckage, seems to heighten the sensation of everything may have gone okay. I think this was true when I was making my amends. And it's true with other things.
Of course, I am very cryptically referring to my you know what with you know who last night. It went well, I think. I hope. I had a good time. Things happened and didn't happen, but over all, a good first step (although of course, in my mind, it was a 4th or 5th step, since I've been "pretend dating" E since like, October!!!)

I guess we'll see. I need to ask these questions and I need to begin planning my next step and it's so awful because where I am right now, is where I want to be. But maybe the life I'll get will be better and I'll get the high of knowing, it wasn't so bad after all.