Where in the hell is the f&*#ing glow?!?!?!

So last Thursday was officially the worst day of my life, I was convinced at the time. The worst day of my life has segued into the worst week of my life. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m impatient, I’m cranky, I’m feeling like I’m just not a very nice person right now. And I don’t want that to come off as a desperate plea for the “Oh sure you are!” or reinforcement from friends. Anyone reading this is reading it because I love and trust them (there are only about 5 of you) and I’m not looking for someone to say “You’re great!” Honestly, I’m not.

Work, work, work. Two jobs is a lot, but it’s mainly everything going on at the full time job. It is the busy time of the year.

Female stuff. I’ll say no more.

Dental work. I had to get my teeth drilled, which is never fun. But then the dentist gives me this prescription that apparently has these awesome side effects. Depression and water retention. A double jackpot!!! Plus, they made me feel really sick, so they only lasted 2 days.

I’ve officially been dumped by E. Apparently my living situation was too much for her. B asked me if I needed to grieve or mourn. I said I didn't. What I need to do is see if I've been kidding myself by thinking I could find someone who finds my situation "hunky dory". E said she wanted all my attention focused on her and she knew that was selfish. But I'm not devastated. It was 2 dates with zero physical action. Not even a kiss. She wanted to know if I was just after sex. J. asked me the same thing about E. It really wasn't that. It may not be about being with some "great love". It's about being with someone and being happy and being comfortable and laughing and having good sex and good talks.

Had a cyber-fight, I guess you would call it, with J.

M had an issue and while I haven’t let that bother me in more than a year, I let it get to me a little. I let myself get sucked back in, slightly, to trying to convince him to calm down and not get berserk, which makes me go a little berserk myself.

This morning, I realized I forgot to pay my cell phone bill, so it was temporarily disconnected. So while I’m on the phone with the company getting it turned back on, sitting in traffic, I’m hysterically sobbing.

I haven’t picked up the food. That means that all these things are coming at me and I am feeling every single one of them. I have not anesthetized myself at all. And again, I’m not saying that for a round of applause or admiration. Because it sucks. Part of me thinks I haven’t picked up because honestly, I haven’t had the energy to pick up. I feel so beaten down and so fatigued and so disinterested in everything. I don’t care about much right now. And if I am abstinent, aren’t I supposed to feel good? Aren’t I supposed to feel happy or proud or like I’ve accomplished something? Don’t I get to feel some sort of glow that comes from knowing that even in the darkest times, I can come out the other side with the help of my HP and my sponsor and my OA family and my tools? Where is my glow!?!?!

Yeah, I got nothing!

Okay, so what am I grateful for right now? What is going well? There's got to be something, right?

Lemon flavored prunes - had them yesterday and they are awesome!!!

McG - She should really be first, but I'm too lazy to edit now! That little face, that smile, those million miracles a day, that amazing little person, who is so much more than I'll ever be, and who tells me everyday that I'm beautiful...with her around, I can't ever forget how lucky I am.

Fight with J. did not last very long. I realized, as I told her, I was having a psychotic break.
Got my equilibrium back with M. His moods are his moods. Not my concern.
I got a sponsee this week. I like him and I hope he likes me and I hope I can not screw this up!

A good friend in the program called me and told me that I was an example to her and that something I said last week inspired her and helped her. That made me smile.

In 3 weeks, M & McG will be on their way to FL and I will be absolutely on my own.

B. I love B. so much. B makes me smile and her voice instantly makes me calm and serene. She’s the mother I should have had! (Which doesn’t mean I don’t love mine!)

My room (I want to make this a separate entry so I’ll leave it at that)

The rain. It’s rained here…a lot! I haven’t checked the numbers but this has got to be some kind of record. It is not hot yet and it’s been a really wet spring. And I love the rain. The rain is my favorite. And now, I’m in a position where I can lie in bed and watch the rain. And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s like God’s sound machine!

I haven’t binged. I haven’t done any Steps. I haven’t done a lot of reaching out. I haven’t prayed like I should, but my food is clean. It’s like God is giving me a pass for this week. I’ll take care of you and I’ll give you a week off of your action, because I know it’s been tough. That’s a great gift.

Gneil. For Mother’s Day, I picked out a gnome. He’s 3” tall and his gname is Gneil and he is holding flowers and a basket and he doesn’t look angry and he doesn’t smile. He looks calm and serene. I look at Gneil and I feel better. He’s my serenity gnome. (No that's not his picture. He's MUCH handsomer!!!)

In a few weeks I start yoga. I’m really looking forward to that.

My friends, especially my OA family, who make me feel so special everyday.

I know there’s more, but I’m going to stop there. (I wrote that after #9 but went back and added 5 more!!!)

I’m going to remember that this too shall pass. Things are going to get better and they are going to get worse. I’m going to remember that. Remember! Damn! If I could just find a Vulcan to do that mind meld thing on me!!! I’ll bet then I could get a freakin’ glow going!