It's time to realize and accept that at the age of 38, I am going to be unable to find a relationship void of issues, baggage and drama. They will not and do not exist. Even if I am prepared to enter into a relationship with some 18 year old, with zero history, zero preconceived notions and trust me, that is beginning to sound very attractive at this moment, then that just means the issues and baggage will mostly be mine. But it's still going to be there. Forever. The real issue is the people I pick and the drama that ensues. Is it just bad luck that I'm picking people with issues, etc. or is it that I am attracted to people because of the drama they offer. Hmmm...
Last night, I told E. about M. This is after E. informed me of all her issues. It basically seemed, about 20 minutes into this discussion, that we were making a list of reasons we shouldn't date anymore!
Side note, yes E. is a woman. Hope no one is shocked. A. says I'm gay. J. says definitely bi- sexual. I say, I like who I like and that gender is beside the point, so whatever that makes me is what I am. I just find it funny that M. used to accuse me of being gay and just marrying him to have a child. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't someone who would do that. If I were gay, then I would not have married a man and I certainly could have had a child without one. But it's funny that now, if I told him I was seeing a woman, he would be absolutely positive that he had been right all these years!!! Yes, I dated you for 2 years and married you for 10, all in an effort to get what I could have gotten with a 1 hour trip to a sperm bank! Nope, sorry dude!
For the love of God, all I want is someone to make out with and touch inappropriately!!! Of course that's not all I want. But is this really so difficult? Maybe it's just been too long for me, but I'm not the nervous, beat around the bush type of person. I know what I want and I want to go after it and see what happens. I want to be straight forward and just find out what the other person wants so we can move on with what we're going to do, one way or the other!
I told D. the other day that there was such a place where people wouldn't care if I was married or if I was whatever and were just willing to have some fun. And that place is called CRAIGSLIST!!! :)
I don't know. I just know that I'm at that point again. The same point I was at a few months ago in a similar situation. I'm ready. I'm not ready to jump into something with anyone off the street, (sorry Craigslist!) but I feel like I am ready to be in a relationship with someone I truly care about and make a connection with and am attracted to. My baggage not withstanding, the ones I find just aren't ready or willing or able and I don't get it. So then, do I continue to pursue, in an effort to be confident and engaging and romantic? I would but then it seems like I'm not any of those things. It seems to come off like I'm predator/stalker girl! I emailed E. and told her to just tell me what she wants to do. If she doesn't want to pursue this, more power to her. I'll survive. Just tell me so I don't feel like an idiot. I don't know that it's gone far enough to truly devastate me. And I have to accept the fact that no matter what, I may meet a completely normal, well adjusted, attractive person that I feel a connection with and my living situation may freak them out. That is 100% possible. At least then, though, I'll worry less about my instincts towards new relationships and just more about my decision making skills and sanity towards the old ones. And THAT I am totally used to!
It's just a little sad. I thought this would work out. It may still. But for now, I still can't find anyone to kiss me.
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